Jokes - Jokes - Jokes

Two Irish and one Mexican candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test:

The Celibacy Test

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's "willy". In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first Irish candidate.

"Ting-a-ling"

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Run along now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second Irish candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops

"Ting-a-ling"

"Timothy, Timothy," sighs the Monsignor, "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Off you go...take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final Mexican candidate. Nothing! She writhes up and down against his body. No response! Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Miguel, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

"Ting-a-ling"

Blue Breaker

The Fence

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told His father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Blue Breaker

The Priest Collar

An old man from a far off land was on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the younger man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The old man thought for a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a Father but I wear my shirt front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many."

The old man quickly answered, "I am the father of many too. I have four sons, four daughters and to many grand children to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people.

The old man was taken back and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

Blue Breaker

Thoughts for the Day

Blue Breaker

Road Work

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket.

Blue Breaker

Farmer Joe's Accident

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Blue Breaker

Italian Verbage

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Blue Breaker

Words of wisdom

Blue Breaker

50th Anniversary

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

And they two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"

Blue Breaker

Kitchen Quotes

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Blue Breaker

Bachelor Cooks

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'"

Blue Breaker

Clinton meets Satan

Bill Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill, we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes him down a hall, and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is a man being burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity." "Fair enough," Satan says. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside a man is being pulled apart on the Rack. "No way," Bill says as he shakes his head. "I can't do *that* for all of eternity, either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, a man is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is a beautiful blond woman giving him a blow job. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts. "That's for me." Satan walks into the room, kicks the beautiful blond woman, and shouts, "Get up, woman! Your replacement is here!"

Blue Breaker

Yee Haa!

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep." said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. "Can you speak?", he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to run his tongue along her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

Blue Breaker

more...Words of Wisdom

  1.    Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  2.    I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  3.    On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  4.    Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  5.    There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  6.    Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
  7.    Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than   expected,  mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
  8.    Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
  9.    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  10.    People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  11.    I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
  12.    Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  13.    If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.
  14.    I don't get even, I get odder.
  15.    In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  16.    I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
  17.    Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
  18.    My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
  19.    I am having an out of money experience.
  20.    I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  21.    Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
  22.    Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
  23.    A day without sunshine is like night.
  24.    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  25.    If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws
  26.    There's no need to fear falling - it's the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear.
  27.    Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
  28.    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that's why they call it the present
  29.    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  30.    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  31.    The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  32.    Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  33.    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  34.    Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  35.    Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
  36.    Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
  37.    Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 38. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
  38.    COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
  39.    The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  40.    Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
  41.    The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  42.    Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
  43.    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
  44.    Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
  45.    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  46.    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  47.    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  48.    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  49.    Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  50.    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  51.    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  52.    Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  53.    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  54.    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch-up.
  55.    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  56.    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  57.    Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
  58.    Don't sweat the petty things...or pet the sweaty things.
  59.    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  60.    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Blue Breaker

A Bank Story

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Blue Breaker

The 21 Signs indicating that you are now working in the 90's

  1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
  3. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your bookmarks.
  4. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
  5. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
  6. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
  7. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.
  8. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
  9. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
  10. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
  11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long that some of the products don't even exist anymore.
  12. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
  13. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
  14. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
  15. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
  16. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
  17. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
  18. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
  19. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
  20. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
  21. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Blue Breaker

Customer Service Call

Yet another customer service phone call.......

CS Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help desk. How may I help you?

Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know...the freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to install it?

CS Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you?

Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?

CS Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.

Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?

CS Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model.

Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs?

CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can't be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you won't be able to write with the fonts BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10".

Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?

CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.

Customer: How do I get the upgrades?

CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external Hard drive, Email and Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember to receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running.

Customer:  I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep:  The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer:  Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep:  What programs are running ma'am?

Customer:  Let me see...I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep:  No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer:  I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep:  My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep:  Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep:  Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep:  What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am. That's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer:  So what should I do?

CS Rep:  Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer:  Yes, I have it.

CS Rep:  Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep:  You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep:  Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer:  Yes?

CS Rep:   LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer:   I will. Thank you for your help.

Blue Breaker

HEARTPRINTS

Whatever our hands touch --

We leave fingerprints!

On walls, on furniture,

On doornobs, dishes, books,

As we touch we leave our identity.

Oh please where ever I go today,

Help me leave heartprints!

Heartprints of compassion

Of understanding and love.

Heartprints of kindness and genuine concern.

May my heart touch a lonely neighbour

Or a runaway daughter,

Or an anxious mother,

Or, perhaps, a dear friend!

I shall go out today

To leave heartprints,

And if someone should say "I felt your touch,"

May that one sense be...

YOUR LOVE Touching through ME

--Jane Reader--

Blue Breaker

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in Personal Ads

FIRST THE WOMEN

40-ish.......................... 48

Adventurer.................. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic....................... Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful..................... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile...... Bring your penicillin

Educated..................... College dropout

Emotionally Secure..  Medicated

Feminist..................... Fat; ball buster

Free spirit.................. Substance user

Friendship first......... Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun............................. Annoying

Gentle........................ Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age.................... All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned............ Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing.................... Loud

Passionate................. Loud

Poet........................... Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional............. Real Witch

Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............ Grossly Fat

Romantic.................. Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous............... Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate....... One step away from stalking

Widow....................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish....................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic.................... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking...... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated.................. Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit................ Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun........................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking.......... Arrogant

Honest..................... Pathological Liar

Huggable................. Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature..................... Until you get to know him

Open-minded.......... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet......................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable...................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says "Please"

Blue Breaker

Welcome to Heaven

There was a wonderful couple who lived a long life together. After 60 years of marriage, the wife died and, sure enough, five minutes later, the husband died, too. They arrived at the Pearly Gates together.

"Welcome," St. Peter said, "Let me show you around heaven." St. Peter pulled up a golf cart, and off they went. "What's this?" the husband asked as they approached a huge expanse of rolling meadow. "This," smiled St. Peter, "is where you'll be spending a lot of your time. You like golf, don't you?" "I love golf," the man smiled. "I played every day in Oklahoma City when wasn't raining, blowing, freezing or burning up." "Well, you'll play every day here," St. Peter laughed. "We have an unlimited number of beautiful courses, a restaurant every nine holes, the best equipment and teaching pros in the universe---all for free!"

The husband suddenly began swearing and snarling angrily, then he started turning purple with rage. "What's wrong, dear?" the wife asked. "If it weren't for you and your oat bran," he hollered, "we could have been here 20 years sooner!"

Blue Breaker

Weight Loss Program

A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well without a second thought he takes off after her (like a shot, who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with he r. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to the 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost another 20 lb pounds.

"I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

Blue Breaker

Even Ice Cream

As they prepared to eat dinner at a restaurant, Kim Kane's six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As they bowed their heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby Kim heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, her son burst into tears and asked, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As Kim held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

"He winked at my son and said, 'I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.' 'Really?' my son asked. 'Cross my heart.' Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started the whole thing), 'Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.'"

Naturally, Kim bought her kid's ice cream at the end of the meal. What happened next came as a complete surprise. "My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life," Kim explains. "He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, 'Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already.'"

Blue Breaker

Ol' Fred

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Blue Breaker

"Heart Attack"

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

Blue Breaker

Hugs

Have you had your Hug Today? Send this bear to someone you care about if they care about you too - they"ll send it back to you so see how many people care about you !!!!! Send it back.

YOU ARE BEING HUGGED

 
                                   ,'      \'-----'..
                                  ,\           .~ ' - .
                                 ,'                o     |__
                               _|                         (#)
                             _\   ''~-.                    ,'
                            ,\    ,.-~-.' -.,       .'--~'
                           /    /         }   ' -..,/
                         /   ,'___    :/            \
                       /''-.|       ''-..'........     \
                     ;       \                    )-....|
                   |          ' ---...........-'       ,'
                    ',     ,......                    ,'
                      ' ,/        ',               ,'
                        \                  ,.- '
                         ',           ',-~''  ;       ,======= ,
                          |           ;      /__     '    Hunny   '
                         /           /__         )   \                /
                         '-.              )----'       \______/
                            ' - .......-'

There's something in a simple hug that always warms the heart; it welcomes us back home and makes it easier to part. A hug's a way to share the joy, The sad times we go through, or just a way for friends to say they like you 'cause you're you. Hugs are meant for anyone for whom we really care, from your grandma to your neighbor, or a cuddly teddy bear.

A hug is an amazing thing - It's just the perfect way to show the love we're feeling, but can't find the words to say.

It's funny how a little hug makes everyone feel good; In every place and language, It's always understood. And hugs don't need new equipment, special batteries or parts. Just open up your arms and open up your hearts.

Blue Breaker

Redneck Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Blue Breaker

Every Woman Should Have:

Blue Breaker

Every Woman Should Know:

Blue Breaker

Leaving Early

Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they`d be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Blue Breaker

Jedi Mind Trick

This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a little while.

Then it's even more weird. Just follow the instructions below:

DON'T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can.

It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.

FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!

What is:

2+2?

4+4?

8+8?

16+16?

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.

Got it?

Now scroll down...

The number you picked was 7, right?

Isn't that weird???

Blue Breaker

Synaptic wiring?

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.

There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

What is:

1+5

2+4

3+3

4+2

5+1

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down.

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.

Keep going.

You're thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else.

98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?

Blue Breaker

Synaptic wiring - 2?

Here is another one

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you

would like to eat out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1748.

If you haven't, add 1747.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were

born.

SEE BELOW

You should now have a three digit number:

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week).

The second two digits are your age!!!

This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the fun around while it lasts...

Blue Breaker

Virtual Breasts?

(o)(o)                          Perfect Breasts

( + )( + )                     Fake Silicone Breasts

(*)(*)                          High Nipple Breasts

(@)(@)                      Big Nipple Breasts

(.)(.)                           Tiny Nipple Breasts

o o                              "A" Cups

{ O }{ O }                 "D" Cups

(oYo)                         Wonder Bra Breasts

( ^)( ^)                        Cold Breasts

(o)(O)                        Lopsided Breasts

(Q)(Q)                       Pierced Breasts

(p)(p)                        Hanging Tassle Breasts

(:o)(o)                       Bitten By a Vampire Breasts

\o/\o/                         Grandma's Breasts

( - )( - )                     Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts

(8)(o)                       Extra Nipple Breasts

(^o)(o)                      Zit on Breast

( o Y o )                   Poses for Playboy Breasts

( /\ )( /\ )                  Madonna's Breasts

Blue Breaker

ALL of Building Bridges

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah…blah…blah.

"This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Central? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women ... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', know how to make them truly happy ... "

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Blue Breaker

So it goes....

Blue Breaker

Emotional Extremes

Aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, " what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

Blue Breaker

Sex and the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Blue Breaker

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.

(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.

(I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.

(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.

(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.

(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.

(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.

(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.

(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.

(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.

(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

In response...The male perspective on the same issue...

 

Blue Breaker

Top 10 rejection lines given by Men

(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister.

(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.

(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.

(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.

(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.

(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.

(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.

(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.

(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.

(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.

(You're sinfully ugly.)

Blue Breaker

Love & Marriage

Marriage is a fine institution if you are ready for an institution.

Read on:

Blue Breaker

Did you know...

Please send this to every woman you know. If you don't, nothing bad will happen, but if you do, something good will. You will boost someone's self-esteem!

Blue Breaker

Phenomenal Woman
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Blue Breaker

Why it's Great to be a Guy

Blue Breaker

New Move-In

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next she was.

She is very clever.  She manages to keep out of sight, for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there.

And when I look directly into the mirror to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.  It's very disconcerting.  I've tried screaming at her to leave, but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.  She's really rather frightening.

I think she steals money from me frequently.  I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later it's gone, I certainly didn't go through it that fast so I can only conclude the the old lady is pilfering it.  You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream.  God knows she needs it.

And the money isn't the only thing she's taking.  Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate, especially the good stuff.  Ice cream, cookies, candy...I just can't seem to keep them in the house.  She really has a sweet tooth.  She should watch it...she's really put on the pounds.  I think she realizes that and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think I'm gaining weight too.   For an old lady she is quite childish.  She also gets in my closets when I am not at home and alters my clothes.  They're getting tighter every day.

Another thing - I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers on my desk.   I can't find anything anymore.  This is extremely hard to deal with because I am a very neat and organized person.  But she manages to jumble everything so nothing is where it's supposed to be.  Furthermore, when I set my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely.

She finds innumerable, imaginitive ways to irritate me.  She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before me and blurs all the print, and she's done something sinister with the controls on my TV, radio and telephone.  Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.  She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all the knobs and faucets harder to turn, and my bed higher and a real headache to get in and out of.

And she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they are just about impossible to open.  Is this any way to repay my hospitality?  I don't even get any respite at night.  More than once her snoring has awakened me.  I don't know why she can't do something about that.  It's very unattractive.

As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house.  She's now found a way to sneak in my car with me and follow me wherever I go.   I see her reflections in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping bacause her penchant for monopolizing mirrirs has extended to dressing rooms.  When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit--Which looks ridiculous on her-- and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

She's walking on very thin ice.  If she keeps this up, I vow to put her in a home.   On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

Blue Breaker

Louisiana Business Trip

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.  Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short note back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her email address of JennJohn@world.Net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email was misdirected to JeanJohn@World.Net.  This Jean Johnson was in Duluth and the wife of a preacher who had passed away a couple of days ago.  In fact, she had returned home after the funeral and as a habit, opened and read her email.   The preacher's wife took one look at the email and promptly fainted.

It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Blue Breaker

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Higher Ed

  1.   Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  2.   You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  3.   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
  4.   Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  5.   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  6.   Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
  7.   The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  8.   The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
  9.   Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
  10.   Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
  11.   Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
  12.   Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  13.   Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  14.   I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  15.   Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
  16.   If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  17.   All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
  18.   If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  19.   One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  20.   Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
  21.   Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  22.   The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
  23.   There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  24.   This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
  25.   Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  26.   The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Blue Breaker

What do they say about you

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Blue Breaker

Peace On The Lake

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

Blue Breaker

Another Clinton joke

While undressing for bed one night, Bill Clinton notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know, my penis!

What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time.

"Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know."

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone!

That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"

The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".

Blue Breaker

Windows 98 - Texas Edition

*******************ATTENTION***************************

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the Texas editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Texas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98, with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse; My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption; Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys; Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard; Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive; and floppies are them little ole' plastic disc thangs.

Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Blue Breaker

Hold on to your Fork !!!!!!!

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with cancer and had been given 3 months to live .  Her physician told her to start making preparations to die.  So she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.  She told him what she wanted sung at the service, what Scriptures she would like read, and what she wanted to be wearing.  The woman also told her pastor that she wanted to be buried with her favorite Bible.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.  "There's one more thing."   She said excitedly.  "What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important"  the woman continued "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the woman not knowing quite what to say.

"That shocks you doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and functions where food was involved (and let's be honest, food is an important part of any church event; spiritual or otherwise) my favorite part was when whoever was clearing away the dishes of the main course would lean over and say you can keep your fork.  It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming.  When they told me to keep my fork, I knew that something great was about to be given to me.  It wasn't Jell-O or pudding.  It was cake or pie.  Something with substance."

"So I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder , "What's with the fork?  Then I want you to tell them:   "Something better is coming so keep your fork, too.'"

The pastor's eyes were welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye.   He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death.   But he also knew that that woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.   She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were talking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand.  Over and over the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?"  And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died.  He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.  The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.  He was right.!!

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you, oh, so gently, that there is something better coming.

GOD BLESS YOU!!

Blue Breaker

Anyway

Meditations from a Simple Path---by Mother Teresa

Blue Breaker

Youthful Conclusions

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt.... I didn't walk for a year !

Blue Breaker

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

by May Kee

Blue Breaker

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

Blue Breaker

Why Dogs are Better Than Women

Blue Breaker

In these troubling times - something to think about.

The Present

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls *family, health, friends and spirit - are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.

How?

Blue Breaker

Why nagging a man doesn't work!

What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon. You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

Blah, blah, blah, blah,     C'MON

Blah, blah, blah, blah,     YOU AND I

Blah, blah, blah, blah,     ON THE FLOOR

Blah, blah, blah, blah,     NO CLOTHES

Blah, blah, blah, blah,     RIGHT NOW!

Blue Breaker

Good Luck Joke

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog".

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette".

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton".

Blue Breaker

Women's English:

Blue Breaker

Men's English:

Blue Breaker

SMILE!!!!!

She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.

The smile seemed to make him feel better.

He remembered past kindnesses of a friend

And wrote him a thank you letter.

The friend was so pleased with the thank you

That he left a large tip after lunch.

The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,

Bet the whole thing on a hunch.

The next day she picked up her winnings,

And gave part to a man on the street.

The man on the street was grateful;

For two days he'd had nothing to eat.

After he finished his dinner,

He left for his small dingy room.

He didn't know at that moment that he might be facing his doom.

On the way he picked up a shivering puppy

And took him home to get warm.

The puppy was very grateful

To be in out of the storm.

That night the house caught on fire.

The puppy barked the alarm.

He barked till he woke the whole household

And saved everybody from harm.

One of the boys that he rescued

Grew up to be President.

All this because of a simple smile

That hadn't cost a cent.

Blue Breaker

The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Blue Breaker

And they said . . .

Actual responses given by children in Bible classes around the country:

Blue Breaker

Happy Parrots!

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Blue Breaker

I Think Santa is a Woman......

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man:

Men can't pack a bag Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly" Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.....Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is...

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Blue Breaker

Viagra Timing

This man finally got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to wait for his wife to get home. He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."

He thinks this is perfect to surprise her because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before he needs it. So he takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

He again calls her on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for another hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

He replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Blue Breaker

Has this ever happened to you?

My thighs were snatched from me during the night of March 22nd. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.

Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?

I spent that entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My buns were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new derriere -- although badly attached at least 3 inches lower than the original -- to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was 2 years later when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, a section at a time.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. No, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.

During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms - female arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public nor flatten them too tightly against my body. In private I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have tightened my real arms but did nothing for these Silly-Putty caricatures.

In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my arms and my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

In short order, my right boob could hold a pencil (it seemed particularly cruel to take just one). And my eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of.

That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That ain't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raising. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star?

I think I finally may have found my thighs. I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

The letter "R"

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' .. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Received from John M. Woodruff.

Blue Breaker

Sunday Morning Service

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Blue Breaker

The Doctors and St. Peter

Three doctors are returning from a conference when a truck crosses the median and hits their limo. All of a sudden they are face to face with St. Peter. He looks at the doctors and says "Tell me why I should let you into Heaven."

The first doctor says "I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine."

"OK!" says St. Peter, "Welcome to Heaven."

The second doctor looks worried and says "I never won any prize; but I devoted my career to a free clinic where people could get treatment at no cost." St. Peter smiles and holds open the Pearly Gates for doctor number two.

The third doctor smiles and says "I am responsible for setting up HMO's throughout the United States."

St. Peter looks this man in the eye and says "You may enter Heaven as well, but you can only stay 3 days."

The Loch Ness Monster and the Atheist

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

The Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness Monster be a Christian."

God replies, "So be it." The scene starts up, atheist falling.

The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food you have so graciously provided."

The World's 25 Shortest Books:

25.   MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O J Simpson

24.     THE HACKER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

23.     TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

22.     THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21.     HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20.     THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

19.     THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

18.     GUIDE TO THE Central OCEAN - by Amelia Earhart

17.     AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16.     CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15.     DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE AND PLACES OF INTEREST

14.     DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13.     COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr. Kevorkian

12.     UNIX MADE EASY

11.     ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE

10.     EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9.       EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8.       FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7.       GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6.       HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel

5.       MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4.       SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

3.       STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2.       THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number One World's Shortest book:

1.       BOOK OF MORALS AND VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton

Blue Breaker

FRIEND

  • In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
  • In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
  • In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
  • In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
  • In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-doing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
  • In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
  • In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
  • In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.
  • In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
  • In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to that "cool" party thrown by a senior with you so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
  • In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
  • In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
  • In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.
  • At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
  • The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
  • Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

Pass on to those friends of the past, and those of the future and those you have met along the way...

Thank you for being a friend.  No matter where we go or who we become, never forget who helped us get there.  There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them.   You know who you are, pass it on to someone who you want to remind.  So Send this to all your friends and maybe those who aren't but just watch and see who sends it back.

Remember Yesterday, plan for tomorrow, live for today.

Blue Breaker

Another Monica Joke

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

Blue Breaker

Rejected Hallmark Cards

1.     So your daughter's a hooker,

        and it spoiled your day...

        Look at the bright side,

        she's a really good lay.

2.     My tire was thumping....

        I thought it was flat....

        when I looked at the tire....

        I noticed your cat... Sorry

3.     You had your bladder removed

        and you're on the mends....

        here's a bouquet of flowers

        and a box of Depends.

4.     You've announced that you're gay,

        won't that be a laugh, when they find

        out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5.     Happy Vasectomy!

        Hope you feel zippy!

        'Cause when I had mine

        I got real snippy.

6.     Heard your wife left you...

        How upset you must be...

        But don't fret about it ....

        She moved in with me

7.     Your computer is dead...

        it was once so alive

        Don't you regret installing

        Windows 95?

8.     You totaled your car...

        and can't remember why...

        could it have been...

        that case of Bud Dry?

Blue Breaker

Labor Pains

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically.

The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50%, then finally to 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Blue Breaker

The Bible According to KIDS

grammatical mistakes and all...)

Blue Breaker

Information

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well the polished old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person - her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know.

"Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in the-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.

The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the foot stool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

"Information"

"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me." I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk, that I had caught in the park just he day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was unconsoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."

"Information," said the now familiar voice.

"How do you spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Central Northwest. When I was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.

"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home, and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.

As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half an hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information, Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, "Information."

I hadn't planned this but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."

I laughed. "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time."

"I wonder", she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me.

I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered "Information."

I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" She said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, she said. Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Paul?"

"Yes."

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.

Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Anonymous

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?

Blue Breaker

LIFE

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.

After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.

If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life".

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, reassure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

Thought for the day: Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching.

Blue Breaker

Course of Conduct

In 1974 a young female attorney helped draw up the rules under which Richard M. Nixon would be tried by the Congress for impeachment. "Impeachment," she wrote, "did not have to be for criminal offenses - but only for a 'course of conduct' that suggested an abuse of power or a disregard for the office of the President of the United States."

She wrote, "that a person's 'course of conduct' while not particularly criminal could be of such a nature that it destroys trust, discourages allegiance, and demands action by the Congress." She wrote that "the office of the President is such that it calls for a higher level of conduct than the average citizen in the United States."

------------------------------

This young female attorney who helped write the standard under which Presidents are to be judged by the House of Representatives has a unique perspective about the present situation in the White House.

You see, that female attorney who said that an unethical "course of conduct" could overthrow a president is now the First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Blue Breaker

Scottish Old Timer

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder?

Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured toward the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder?

Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

Blue Breaker

You know you're a Military Brat if you...

Blue Breaker

The Origin of Man's Sex Life

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" But the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - and like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Blue Breaker

Quotable Quotes

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

A: Fleece Navidad!

 

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missile toe!

 

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A: A subordinate Claus.

 

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

A: Okay everyone, sack time!

 

Q: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A: A cookie sheet.

 

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

 

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.

 

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

A: Sandy Claws.

 

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

 

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Krisp Kringle.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Blue Breaker

A Southern Nativity

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Still unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I had to leave. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Blue Breaker

The Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster & more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about & hunting fleet-footed ruminants, & not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Blue Breaker

The Irate Customer

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Blue Breaker

Maria

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Blue Breaker

A Tourist in Vienna

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

[Guess now, before scrolling down]

No cheating, make a guess before scrolling

He's decomposing.

Blue Breaker

If I could catch a Rainbow...

I would do it just for you

and share with you its beauty

on the days you're feeling blue....

~~~~~~~~

If I could build a mountain

you could call your very own

A place to find serenity

a place to be alone

~~~~~~~~

If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea

~~~~~~~~

But all these things I'm finding

are impossible for me,

I can not build a mountain

or catch a rainbow fair

~~~~~~~~

So, let me be what I know best

a friend that's always there.

~~~~~~~~

Author:  Sandra Lewis Pringle

Website: http://www.GrtgsfmtheHeartandSoul.net

Blue Breaker

A Catholic man goes to the confessional

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

What is your sin, my son? the priest asks back.

"Well", the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked liked it was going over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No, Father, after that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and begin to run away."

"Is that when you swore?"

"Well, no," says the man. "You see as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down from the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest."

"No, not yet, as the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green, and as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped the ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the cup".

The priest sighed. "You missed the fuck'n putt, didn't you?"

Blue Breaker

You Know You're too Stressed when...

You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.

The sun is too loud.

You are missing several days from this week.

Trees begin to chase you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

You can hear mimes.

Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and reality file for divorce.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You can travel without moving.

Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.

Blue Breaker

Clinton and St. Peter

"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton"

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Bob Franklin

Blue Breaker

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Blue Breaker

MEN are like:

Men are like.....Place mats.

    They only show up when theres food on the table....

Men are like.....Mascara.

    They usually run at the first sign of emotion....

Men are like.....Bike helmets.

    Handy in emergencies, otherwise they just look silly....

Men are like.....Government bonds.

    They take so long to mature....

Men are like.....Copiers.

    You need them for reproduction, but that s about it....

Men are like.....Lava lamps.

    Fun to look at, but not all that bright....

Men are like.....Bank accounts.

    Without a lot of money, theres not much interest....

Men are like.....High heels.

    They re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it....

Men are like.....Curling irons.

    They re always hot, and they re always in your hair....

Actually they are not all this bad.....

Blue Breaker

Texas vs New York

A Texas girl and a New York girl were seated side by side on an airplane. The Texan -- being friendly and all -- said: "So, where ya'll from?"

The New Yorker frowned and said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Blue Breaker

Catholic Women Having Coffee

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

So she replies, "My son is 6' 2" ... he has plenty of money ... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ... dresses very well ... tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room ... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."

Blue Breaker

The Subway Ride

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, clothes unkempt, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. The priest became uncomfortable at the smell and appearance of his seatmate.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

In his annoyed state, the priest retorted "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be....." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, realizing the error of his comment, apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Blue Breaker

Points to Ponder

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I noticed how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Blue Breaker

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.

They always catch the second person.

Never ask a 3-year-old to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Blue Breaker

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires.

Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

A smile a day makes a day worth living.

Blue Breaker

Lawyer One-Liners

What do lawyers use for birth control?
*** Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
*** A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
*** To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
*** Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
*** There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
*** A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
*** If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
*** One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
*** They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
*** A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
*** Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
*** Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
*** Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
*** It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
*** The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
*** I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. 
***   "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?  
*** You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
*** He gets taller.

Copyright © 1983 Crystal Clear Reflections