Jokes - Jokes - Jokes


The Base Ball Fans

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Blue Breaker

Golf

One day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

After a short debate, Moses decided to go first.

He settled up for the shot and hammered it straight for the green.

Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky, and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses, and said, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."

So Jesus settled up for his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green.

Unfortunately, Jesus had the same luck that Moses had. The ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounced on top the water and rolled up on the green, only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"

No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly, a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit their balls.

Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth; the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!!!"

Blue Breaker

The Hell You Say?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown woke up early and went to their local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talked about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!

Everyone started screaming and ran for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from the Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

This confused Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man said, "Yep, sure do."

Satan said, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, said, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Blue Breaker

The Cookie

THIS IS TRUE...PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS....THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC.

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie".

( Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States). It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." "Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty". I said with approval, "just add it to my tab. it's a great deal!"

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe $250.00. That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point."

I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money."

I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States and Canada with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for FREE.

She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off", and I slammed the phone on her. So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want Nieman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe....

(Recipe may be halved.):

2 cups butter

4 cups flour

1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)

2 cups sugar

4 eggs

5 cups blended oatmeal**

2 tsp. Baking powder

24 oz. chocolate chips

2 tsp. vanilla

2 cups brown sugar

3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. Soda

** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!!

THIS IS *NOT* A JOKE --- this is a true story.. Enjoy all!

Blue Breaker

Jingle Gates

(by Chet Raymo)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums

(ahem - pardon me)

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,

It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,

and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Blue Breaker

20 Reasons Why Mountain Bikes Are Better than Guys

(1) Mountain bikes don't fool around with other mountain bikes.

(2) Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.

(3) You can share your mountain bike with your friends.

(4) Mountain bikes don't care how many other mountain bikes you have ridden.

(5) Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at you.

(6) Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain bikes.

(7) If you're mountain bike goes flat, you can fix it.

(8) If you're mountain bike is too short, you can raise its seat.

(9) If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

(10) If you say bad things to your bike, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

(11) Your mountain bike won't start going until YOU are ready.

(12) You can ride you mountain bike as long as you like and it won't get tired.

(13) Your mountain bike won't fall asleep after you ride it.

(14) Your parents won't remain in touch with your old mountain bike after you dump it.

(15) There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.

(16) Mountain bikes don't mistrust you if you are an experienced rider.

(17) If your mountain bike looks bad, you can paint it or get new parts.

(18) You don't have to cover your mountain bike with rubber when you ride it.

(19) You don't have to worry about where your mountain bike has been before you met it.

(20) You and your mountain bike always arrive at the same time.

Blue Breaker

The Baseball Fans

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Blue Breaker

Golf

One day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

After a short debate, Moses decided to go first.

He settled up for the shot and hammered it straight for the green.

Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky, and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses, and said, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."

So Jesus settled up for his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green.

Unfortunately, Jesus had the same luck that Moses had. The ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounced on top the water and rolled up on the green, only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"

No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly, a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit their balls.

Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth; the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!!!"

Blue Breaker

The Hell You Say?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown woke up early and went to their local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talked about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!

Everyone started screaming and ran for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from the Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

This confused Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man said, "Yep, sure do."

Satan said, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, said, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Blue Breaker

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Santa Claus

North Pole, North Pole

December 23, 1996

 

Barbie

c/o Mattel, Inc.

El Segundo, CA 90245

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 38 years-I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

Blue Breaker

The Cookie Recipe

THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND PLEASE

SEND THIS TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS....THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC.

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". (Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States). It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." "Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty".

I said with approval, "just add it to my tab. it's a great deal!" Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe $250.00. That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point. " I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States and Canada with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for FREE.

She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off", and I slammed the phone on her.

So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want Nieman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe.... (Recipe may be halved.):

2 cups butter

4 cups flour

1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)

2 cups sugar

4 eggs

5 cups blended oatmeal**

2 tsp. Baking powder

24 oz. chocolate chips

2 tsp. vanilla

2 cups brown sugar

3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. Soda

** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts.

Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.

Makes 112 cookies.

Have fun!!! THIS IS NOT A JOKE --- this is a true story..Enjoy all!

Blue Breaker

Testosterone

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom—a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction—he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

PLANTS:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker—sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things.. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

Blue Breaker

Jingle Gates

(by Chet Raymo)

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

Mailto:santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums

(ahem - pardon me)

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,

It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,

and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Blue Breaker

20 Reasons Why Mountain Bikes Are Better than Guys

  1. Mountain bikes don't fool around with other mountain bikes.
  2. Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.
  3. You can share your mountain bike with your friends.
  4. Mountain bikes don't care how many other mountain bikes you have ridden.
  5. Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at you.
  6. Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain bikes.
  7. If you're mountain bike goes flat, you can fix it.
  8. If you're mountain bike is too short, you can raise its seat.
  9. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
  10. If you say bad things to your mountain bike, you don't have to apologize before you ran ride it again.
  11. Your mountain bike won't start going until YOU are ready.
  12. You can ride you mountain bike as long as you like and it won't get tired.
  13. Your mountain bike won't fall asleep after you ride it.
  14. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old mountain bike after you dump it.
  15. There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.
  16. Mountain bikes don't mistrust you if you are an experienced rider.
  17. If your mountain bike looks bad, you can paint it or get new parts.
  18. You don't have to cover your mountain bike with rubber when you ride it.
  19. You don't have to worry about where your mountain bike has been before you met it.
  20. You and your mountain bike always arrive at the same time.
Blue Breaker

True Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you

drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first.I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Blue Breaker

Single

OK, All of you single people out there (myself included). We've heard this question so many times from family and friends, that here are a few good retorts to send back their way.

  1. I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you.
  2. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
  3. It gives my mother something to live for.
  4. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
  5. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
  6. What? And spoil my great sex life?
  7. Nobody would believe me in white.
  8. Because I just love hearing this question.
  9. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
  10. Do you know how hard it is to get TWO tickets to Miss Saigon?
  11. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. (A New York Special)
  12. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
  13. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
Blue Breaker

Late for the Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. ½ hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. ½ hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Blue Breaker

The Stress Diet

(This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the course of the day.)

BREAKFAST

½ grapefruit

1 slice of whole wheat toast

8 oz. low fat or skim milk

LUNCH

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

Rest of Oreo's in pack

2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream

1 jar hot fudge sauce

Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER

2 loaves garlic bread with cheese

Large sausage & cheese pizza

4 cans or 1 large pitcher beer (non-alcoholic, I sure hope)

3 Milky Way candy bars

LATE EVENING NEWS SNACK

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
  4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheese cake.
  5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are: Milk Duds, Hot Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes caloric leakage.
  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
  9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples include: spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream, etc.

IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!! Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food at any time during this diet.

Linda P. Kemper

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much,impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!

Blue Breaker

Grown Up Words

A first grade teacher was addressing her new class. "Children, you are no longer in kindergarten, you must learn to use grown-up words now. I want everyone to tell me what they did over the summer. Sandy, you go first." instructed the teacher. "I went to see my Nana!" replied Sandy. "No," corrected the teacher, "you went to visit your Grandmother." Billy was next. "I rode on a choo-choo!" "No Billy, you traveled on a train!" said the teacher. "Johnny, what did you do?" she asked. "I read a book" Johnny gleamed with pride! "Very good, Johnny. What book did you read?" she asked. Johnny sat up straight in his chair, smiled with confidence and proudly said, "Winnie the Shit!"

Blue Breaker

The Bavarian Painter

A hapless hobo comes to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. Soon, the well-dressed owner of the farm answers, "Yes, what is it?" The hobo begs, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The farm owner sternly says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around to the back, you will see a gallon of gray paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch at the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo gladly agrees and quickly goes around back. Soon afterwards, he again knocks on the door. The owner smiles, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." After the hobo finishes a grand meal he turns to the farm owner and says, "Thank you very much, sir... By the way, there's something that I think you should know. That's not a Porsche you've got back there. It's a BMW."

Blue Breaker

God's Christmas Letter to All,

My Dear Children (and believe me, that's all of you), I consider myself a pretty patient guy. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place, cell by cell, and gene by gene. I've been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.

But on this occasion of My Son's birthday, I want to let you know about some of the things that are starting to tick me off.

First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough already! Let's get one thing straight. These are YOUR religions, not Mine. I'm the whole enchilada; I'm beyond them all. Every one of your religions claims there's only one of Me (which by the way, is absolutely true). But in the very next breath, each religion claims it's My favorite one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all the other bibles are man-made. Oh Me. How do I even begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

Okay, listen up now. I'm your Father AND Mother, and I don't play favorites among My children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bibles, were written by men and women. There were inspired, remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word more than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to me—even a bum on the street—is worth more than all the Holy Books in the world. That's just the kind of guy I am. My Spirit is not an historical thing, it alive right here, right now, as fresh as your next breath.

Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but not more so than the least of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win souls; for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favors. I can stand quite well on my own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me, and I don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each other.

And another thing: I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example, I swear to Me that I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode in any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royce's. I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I've never EVER had a conversation with Jim Baker, Jerry Falwell, or Jimmy Swaggart! Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to...

The thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of your religions is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you with no strings attached. Lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion is best for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your Scriptures and say, Well, if THIS is the truth, then THAT can't be But instead of trying to figure out My Paradoxes and Unfathomable Nature—which by the way, you NEVER will—why not open your hearts to the simple common threads in every religion?

You know what I'm talking about: Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I am always with you. Learn how to be quiet, so you can hear My still, small voice (I don't like to shout). Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My Own Child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't worry, be happy (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but Who do you think gave it to him in the first place?)

Simple stuff. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I'm very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether you call me God, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Wakantonka, Brahma, Father, Mother or even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My special children you feel closest to—Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? You can call Me and My Special Ones any name you choose, if only you would go about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

I'm not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions, honor them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honor, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart; I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine all the Great Traditions in One Big Mess. Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children—the ones that your religions revolve around—all live in the same place (My heart) and they get along perfectly, I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion. The whole planet is connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases, and mutual needs and concerns. Get with the program! If you really want to help Me celebrate the birthday of My Son Jesus, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry, clothe your naked, protect your abused, and shelter your poor. And just as importantly, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humor. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living, loving, and laughing together.

Finally, My Children everywhere, remember whose birth is honored on December 25th, and the fearlessness with which He chose to live and die. As I love Him, so do I love each one of you. I'm not really ticked off, I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than to try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? After all, I AM the original Jewish Mother. I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the Dark.

I really Am, indeed, I swear, with you always. Always. Trust in Me.

Your One and Only, God

Blue Breaker

Indoctrination

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, "If you're going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important." He then said to his aide, "Let him go." The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping. The general looked straight at his new people and said

"You're each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT." He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees.

Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, "This is COMMITMENT!" He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

"That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate HIS commitment?" There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an Air Force fighter pilot stepped forward and said, "I will, sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."

Blue Breaker

MEMO from SANTA

TO: All Employees

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse.

Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese a laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids a milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a mending, a mentoring, or a mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords a leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out of work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers a suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Questions should be directed to me.

(Signed)

S. Claus

Christmas Cheer!

Blue Breaker

IT MUST BE TRUE, IT'S IN THE BIBLE

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Blue Breaker

The Blonde and the Pharmacist

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Blue Breaker

Chores

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

Blue Breaker

Perspective – Each to their own

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Blue Breaker

And God Answered....

 

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of

your pennies?"

God smiled and replies, "Certainly, just a second."

Blue Breaker

The Barru

This Irish guy, Joe, goes into a local bar, The Barru, one afternoon for a few, quiet, beers. He sits down at the bar and orders a Coors. After the bartender delivered it he sat there quietly all by himself, as he was the only patron in the bar, and drank his beer and ate some of the nuts in the bowl, on the bar.

A little while later, before he had finished his 1st beer, he hears a voice say, "GREAT LOOKING TIE". Since he was still the only one in the bar, except the bartender, he did not know what to make of it, so he just orders another Coors.

When he was almost finished with his 2nd beer, he hears this same voice say, "THE TIE EVEN MATCHES YOUR SHIRT". Now he was really puzzled. Since he was still the only one there except for the bartender, he felt he had to find out what was going on, so he asked the bartender, "Did you just hear that voice?"

The bartender replied, "Oh, you must not have heard about our complimentary' nuts!"

Blue Breaker

Quotes to Remember

  1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're ok, you're it.
  6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
  7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
  8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
  10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
  11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
  12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  13. It may be that your soul purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
  15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
  18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Blue Breaker

Be Careful what you Wish for...

A woman who had been married three times: one to a wife beater, one who ran away from her and one who was not good in bed, wanted to find a good man. She sent an ad in the paper saying I want a man who doesn't beat me, who won't run away from me and is good in bed. After two weeks of waiting nothing happened, then on the third week someone rang her doorbell. When she answered there was a man sitting there in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. She asked him what he was doing there and he said, I am here in answer to your ad in the paper. " I have no arms so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't run away form you." Then the lady said "well are you great in bed?" He answered "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Blue Breaker

Gates of Heaven

Three men arrive at the gates of Heaven and are immediately questioned by St Peter as to why they are there. "I wasn't expecting any of you for at least two decades let alone all on the same day."

He pulls the first man off to the side and asks him what happened. The man says "Well I got home from work early one day and wanted to romance my wife. We live on the 8th floor of a ten story apartment complex. I walked in and found my wife in the shower. I was sure she had cheated on me because she always showered right before we went to bed and she was trying to wash away any evidence. I looked in the bedroom, the closets, under the bed and all over but I couldn't find the man. Finally I looked out the window and saw ten fingers clinging to the ledge for dear life. I opened the window and smashed the guy's fingers with all my might until he let go. He fell four stories, bounced off a flag pole, flew over and hit a tree, slid down, and I'll be damned the guy lived. I was so angry, I went into the kitchen grabbed the refrigerator out of the kitchen and threw it down on top of him and killed him. After I realized what I had done, I took my own life rather than going to jail and live with the shame." St Peter says "O.K. just take a seat over there."

He takes the second guy aside to get his story. "Well St. Peter, I was washing windows on the 9th floor of an apartment building when the scaffolding broke and I fell. Luckily I grabbed a window ledge on the 8th floor, but as I was trying to pull my self up, some ass hole smashed my fingers. I fell four stories, bounced off a flagpole, flew over and hit a tree, slid down the tree and was miraculously alive. Then the guy throws a refrigerator down on top of me and kills me." St. Peter says "O.K. have a seat over here"

He turns to the third man and asks "Well I figured out what happened with those two, but what's your story?" The man says, "Well St. Peter, the last thing I remember, I was hiding inside a refrigerator.

Blue Breaker

Snack

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the owner "Can you give me two tattoos?"

He says "No problem."

"Will you put them anywhere I want them?" she asks.

"Sure. Where would you like them?"

She lifts up her right leg and points to the inside of her thigh. "I would like a turkey, right there."

He thinks it's a little odd but says "Ok. Where do you want the other one?"

She lifts up her left leg and points to the inside of that thigh. "I would like a pine tree, right there."

Now he's really puzzled. "Ok lady, I give up. There must be some meaning behind this."

"Well, you see, my husband always complains that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Blue Breaker

Vegas Brothel

An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?"

She replies, "About three nots."

He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"

She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!"

What can I get you today?

This guy walks into an elegant restaurant and takes a seat. The waitress walks up to take his order.

Waitress: "What can I get you today sir?"

Man: "Oh, I guess I will have a quickie!"

Waitress: "Pardon me sir!!!"

Man: "Quickie, I will have a quickie!"

The waitress slaps the hell out of the guy, and storms off to another table. While the guy is sitting there wondering what in the world happened, the man at the table behind our hero leans over and says,

"Excuse me sir, but I believe that is pronounced Quiche!!"

Blue Breaker

50th Anniversary

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table on morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for 50 years today!!"

"Yeah," she replied, "Imagine, 50 years ago we were sitting here at the breakfast table together."

"I know," he said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds 50 years ago!!'

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say? Should we, you know, get naked?" The couple stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know hun," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "There is one in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal!!"

Blue Breaker

The Tattoo

A guy walks into a Tattoo Parlor. The artist there asks him what kind of tattoo he wants, and he says he wants a tattoo of his girlfriend's name~~Wendy~~tattooed on his penis. The artist kept warning him, saying it would really hurt, and most of the time it would read "Wy" anyway. But, the guy didn't care. He wanted it anyway, saying it would probably boost up his sex life with his girlfriend. So, the artist put it on, and the guy went home and sure enough, Wendy was crazy about the tattoo and their sex life was great.

One day, the guy was driving somewhere and had to stop for gas. He went into the bathroom to take a leak, and he looked over at the man next to him in the urinal, and he saw that he had a tattoo that read "Wy" also! So he asked him, "Gee, is your girlfriend's name "Wendy" too?" He answered, "Get real. Mine says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day."

Blue Breaker

The Three Wise Firefighters

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene", great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

 

One small feature bothered me.

 

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

 

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

 

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Blue Breaker

Lonely

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said.

"Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.

There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home."

Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered—not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom—and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked down.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.

After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really, really miss... something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long, but on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible anymore," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly, "You mean you actually figured out a way we can check our e-mail here?"

Blue Breaker

Are you an email Junkie?

  1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  2. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, Daemon and Dotcom.
  3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  6. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
  7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  8. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... And you succeed.
  9. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
  10. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  11. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
  12. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  13. Your cat has its own home page.
  14. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
  15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
  17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  18. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  19. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
  20. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
Blue Breaker

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah G-d"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Blue Breaker

You Know You're Way Too Stressed Out If...

  1. You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
  2. The sun is too loud.
  3. Trees begin chasing you.
  4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
  6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
  7. You can hear mimes.
  8. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
  9. Things become "Very Clear."
  10. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  11. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
  12. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
  13. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  14. You and Reality file for divorce.
  15. You can skip without a rope.
  16. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  17. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
  18. You can travel without moving.
  19. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  20. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  21. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
  22. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
  23. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
Blue Breaker

The Pheasant

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Blue Breaker

The Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, embarrassed. "It was my first day with the hook."

Blue Breaker

Pearly Gates

St. Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. St. Peter needed to take a break, so he noticed Jesus walking by and asked him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus said he'd be happy to. In a little bit an old man came up to the desk very slowly. Jesus took out form 85-A/j and started getting the information.

"I'm looking for my son" the old man says.

"And who are you?" says Jesus.

"I'm his Father; well not really." says the man.

"Where are you from?"

The old man said he was from the Mediterranean Sea area.

"What did you do in life?" "I was a carpenter," was the reply.

Jesus smiled because this was a profession he could relate to.

"Did you have many children?" he asked kindly.

The old man said, "Just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth."

Jesus looked closely at the old man and asked, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?"

"Oh yes," the old man said, "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens."

"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man.

Jesus put down the 85-A/j form and holds out his hands, "Father!"

The old man looked at Jesus with joy on his face and asked, "Pinocchio?"

Blue Breaker

A Yuppie

A yuppie in 'Miami' opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh, my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!"

Blue Breaker

British Politicians

  1. Some Words of Wisdom from British Politicians of the Conservative Party!
  2. Here goes:
  3. "Suicide is a real threat to health." --Virginia Bottomley
  4. "Anyone would think we were living on some island somewhere." – George Walden
  5. "It's not the future I'm talking about, I'm talking about tomorrow." -- John Gummer
  6. "The trend in the rise in unemployment is downward." -- Gillian Shepherd
  7. "The more important things, are more important, than the less important things." -- Stephen Dorrell
  8. "When the IRA plant such bombs, it proves they can scare people, it proves they can kill people, it proves nothing." -- Peter Bottomley
  9. "We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that...
  10. zero must mean plus or minus a few." --William Waldegrave
  11. "Who Sadam Hussein kills, dies." --Jeffrey Archer
  12. "There's no smoke without mud being flung around." -- Edwina Currie
  13. "I will never forget the 1981, -- or was it 1982? – honours list." -- Julian Critchley
  14. "All those people who say that there will never be a Single European Currency are trying to forecast history." -- Kenneth Clark
  15. "The British public sees with blinding clarity." -- Michael Heseltine
  16. "You know what they say—don't get mad, get angry." -- Edwina Currie
  17. "We are not wholly an island, except geographically." -- John Major
  18. Politicians are like diapers. They both should be changed often. And for the same reason!
Blue Breaker

What's Good for the Goose...

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper.

So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Blue Breaker

The Truck Driver and Lawyers

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest,

"Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him, but then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

Blue Breaker

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

(Author Unknown)

Don't you wish when life is bad

and things just don't compute,

That all we really had to do

was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,

life could be so sweet

If we had those special keys

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,

your wife, well she's just mute

Just stop and hit those wonderful keys

that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job

but you fear living in the street?

You solve it all and start anew,

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Blue Breaker

White House Lawn

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT! WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.

 

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

 

Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

Blue Breaker

Clinton & the Razorbacks

President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm.

When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine sharply salutes him as usual.

Clinton says: "I'd salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full."

The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Pigs sir!"

President Clinton responds: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"

The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"

The President then responds: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!"

The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!"

Blue Breaker

How to give a cat a pill

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That’s a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
  3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
  4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
  5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
  7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
  8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
  9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
  10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
  13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
  14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
  15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
  16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
  18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

F.Y.I.

  1. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
  2. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
  3. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
  4. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
  5. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
  6. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
  7. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
  8. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
  9. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
  10. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
  11. Both were assassinated by Southerners.
  12. Both were succeeded by Southerners.
  13. Both successors were named Johnson.
  14. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
  15. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
  16. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
  17. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
  18. Both assassins were know by their three names.
  19. Both names compromise fifteen letters.
  20. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
  21. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
  22. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

The Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

An obnoxious brother ========= Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ========= Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ========= Gotta Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ========= Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ========= Wherediddy Gogh

The banker nephew ========= Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle ========= Cant Gogh

The dancing aunt ========= Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ========= Flamin Gogh

His psychoanalyst nephew ========= E Gogh

The fruit loving niece ========= Mane Gogh

The bouncy nephew ========= Po Gogh

A sister who loved disco ========= Go Gogh

And his cousin who travels the country in a van ========= Winnie Bay Gogh

Heavenly Entrance Exam

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over .Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the

next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:

"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

First Grade Proverbs

The following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher over the year. She gave her classes part of an old proverb and let them fill in the rest.

~ As you shall make your bed so shall you...mess it up.

~ Better be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

~ Strike while the...bug is close.

~ It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.

~ Never underestimate the power of...termites.

~ You can lead a horse to water but.. how?

~ Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

~ No news is...impossible.

~ A miss is as good as a...Mr.

~ You can't teach an old dog new...math.

~ If you lie down with the dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.

~ Love all, trust.. me

~ The pen is mightier than the...pigs.

~ An idle mind is...the best way to relax.

~ Where there's smoke, there's...pollution.

~ Happy the bride who...gets all the presents!

~ A penny saved is...not much.

~ Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.

~ Don't put off tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

~ Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.

~ None are so blind as...Helen Keller.

~ Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

~ If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.

~ You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box.

~ When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way.

~ There is no fool like...Aunt Eddie.

Pop N’ Fresh Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N' Fresh died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Wednesday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities were present, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler elves, and Hungry Jack. The graveside was piled with flours; long time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how badly he was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn't considered a smart cookie and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.

Bungee Jumping Tower

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??

The Perfect Couple

These was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys in to their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.…

===================================

*A Male's Response* (scroll down)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Blue Breaker

The Proposition

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young

woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Hand Signs

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.

The man realizes that he can't find the rake.

He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

Equal Opportunity Employer

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal

Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over

to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect

program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Blue Breaker

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  7. You can open all your own jars.
  8. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
  9. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
  10. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  11. All your orgasms are real.
  12. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  13. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
  14. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  15. You understand why Stripes is funny.
  16. Your last name stays put.
  17. The garage is all yours.
  18. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  19. You never have to clean the toilet.
  20. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  21. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  22. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  23. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
  24. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  25. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  26. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  27. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
  28. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
  29. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  30. Chocolate is just another snack.
  31. You can be president.
  32. Flowers fix everything.
  33. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
  34. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  35. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  36. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  37. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  38. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
  39. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
  40. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  41. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  42. The world is your urinal.
  43. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  44. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  45. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
  46. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
  47. Same work....more pay.
  48. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  49. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  50. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
  51. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  52. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  53. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  54. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  55. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  56. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  57. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  58. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
  59. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  60. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  61. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  62. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
  63. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
  64. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
  65. Baywatch.
  66. There is always a game on somewhere.
Blue Breaker

The Hooker

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.  Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.  When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.   The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.  When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.  The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.  During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.   So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ..........and ..............finds four Chinese men.

Blue Breaker

Top 48 OXYMORONS

  1. Act naturally
  2. Found missing
  3. Resident alien
  4. Advanced BASIC
  5. Genuine imitation
  6. Airline Food
  7. Good grief
  8. Same difference
  9. Almost exactly
  10. Government organization
  11. Sanitary landfill
  12. Alone together
  13. Legally drunk
  14. Silent scream
  15. American history
  16. Living dead
  17. Small crowd
  18. Business ethics
  19. Soft rock
  20. Butt Head
  21. Military Intelligence
  22. Software documentation
  23. New York culture
  24. New classic
  25. Sweet sorrow
  26. Childproof
  27. "Now, then ..."
  28. Synthetic natural gas
  29. Passive aggression
  30. Taped live
  31. Clearly misunderstood
  32. Peace force
  33. Extinct Life
  34. Temporary tax increase
  35. Computer jock
  36. Plastic glasses
  37. Terribly pleased
  38. Computer security
  39. Political science
  40. Tight slacks
  41. Definite maybe
  42. Pretty ugly
  43. Twelve-ounce pound cake
  44. Diet ice cream
  45. Rap music
  46. Working vacation
  47. Exact estimate
  48. And the Number one top OXY-Moron
  49. Microsoft Works
Blue Breaker

Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

  1. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
  2. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
  3. "So -- what are you wearing?"
  4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
  5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
  6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
  7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
  8. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
  9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
  10. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
  11. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"

And the No. 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support ...

  1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Blue Breaker

Cross Country Run

An elderly couple was traveling across country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman....

Patrolman: "Ma'am...you were speeding."

Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"

Patrolman: "May I see your license please."

Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LICENSE!"

The old woman hands the patrolman her license.

Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had the worst sex I've ever had with a woman there."

Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"

Blue Breaker

Things You'd Never Hear a Southerner Say!

Blue Breaker

The Avid Hunter

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Blue Breaker

Seminar II

1. Elementary Map Reading - If you don't like north to be the top, turn the map upside down.

2. Crying and Law Enforcement - Works 99% of the time!

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR - Only Japanese can program a VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours - The reason you never see a clock in a mall

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast - Dr.Kervorkian does give an option

6. The Seven-Outfit Week - Every week!

7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") I don't know why I cut his penis off

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions - Be at least as good as the instructor

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights - Orange=not important, Red= important, Blue= very important

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed - Let the bastard drive himself

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water - See number 10

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament - The beer = the blood, The chips 'n dip = the flesh

13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")

14. How to Earn Your Own Money - Its easy, a small skirt and a large purse

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") - Very True

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side - An engineer would design one that doesn't slam down

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry - clean is this pile, dirty is that pile

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels - ?

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy - Use it till itt won't work any more

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too - "Sure is dark in here. Want to buy a baseball?"

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out - ?

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") - Either that or try to explain contract law to the judge

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" - please see item 23

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House - reminds him what his wife will look like

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? - Depends on His mate!

Blue Breaker

Swami Beyondananda

1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don’t like the programming we’re getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. you use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you - He’s just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when your tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami’s Absurdiveness Training class: "Don’t get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That’s where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there’ll surely be no madness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the pieces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great changes have been predicted for the future, so if you’re looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple: When you find a fault, just don’t dwell on them.

8. There’s no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we’ll never have to change it again.

9. If you’re looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe - The good news is - it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don’t like it, it’s not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don’t have to go through channels.

Swami Beyondananda speaks at East West Bookshop,Thursday, August 21, 97.

Written by Danny Dutton, Age 8, Chula Vista, CA.

3rd grade homework assignment: Topic: "Explain God"

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes these to put in place of the ones that die so that there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn’t make grownups. Just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn’t have have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that up to the mothers and fathers. I think it works out pretty good.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, as some people, like preachers and things, pray other times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. As He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere. Which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting His time by going over your parents head and ask for something they said you couldn’t have.

Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren’t any who come to our church. Jesus is God’s son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and doing miracles and trying to teach people about God who didn’t want to learn. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His father and He told His Father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything He had done and all His hard work on earth, so He told Him He didn’t have to go out on the road any more. He could stay in Heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing which things are important to God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important of course. You can pray any time you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should go to Sunday School, because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God. Don’t skip Sunday School to do something you think will be more fun, like going to the beach. That’s wrong! and besides, the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an Atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like camp, but God can. It’s good to know He’s around when you’re scared of the dark or when you can’t swim very good and you get thrown in real deep water by the big kids. But you shouldn’t just think of what God can do for you. I figure He put me here and can take me back any time He pleases. And that’s why I believe in God.

Blue Breaker

Pepsi & Cannibals

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over the continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for the Pepsi Company to send a three man rescue team.

While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the crash, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue team was shocked! A team member asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

The second member asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

Totally bewildered, a third member asked, "Did you...well, you know...eat their...things?" The Chief replied, "No!"

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Blue Breaker

The 10 Types of Boyfriends

Submitted by S. Smith

Joe Sensitive

"After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

 

Old Man Grumpus

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.

Advantages: Stays put; predictable.

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.

 

Flinchy

"I—I’m sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.

Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.

 

Bigfoot

"Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb.

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

 

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.

Advantages: Well rested; easy target.

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams.

 

The Sneak - "Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.

 

Ace of Hearts

"After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.

Advantages: Perpetually aroused.

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.

 

The Dreamer

"Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but-- "Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories.

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."

 

Mr. Right

"While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.

Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer.

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.

 

Mr. Prez

Let’s do it in the Oval Office. Let’s do it in the war room. Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch

Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader. Think of the book rights and speaking fees. I’ll never have to do one of those American Express commercials "Who Am I"

Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges.

Blue Breaker

The Symptoms of Inner Peace

Cat Rules (Rules for Cats who have a house to run)

a.   When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b.  For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c.  For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.   Remember, the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d.  For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!  First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e.  When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

Annual Meeting of Single, Straight, Emotionally-Stable, Financially-Secure, Intelligent Men Looking for a Long-Term Commitment

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Blue Breaker

Women vs Golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right...I’ll be fine in a few minutes." he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Blue Breaker

Bill and the Slurpy

Bill was walking to the 7-11 to get a Slurpy. He passed by a tennis court and found a brand new tennis ball laying in the grass by the sidewalk. He picked up the ball and could not find anyone at the tennis court to return the new ball to, so he stuck the ball in his pocket and continued to walk to the 7-11. He finally made it to the store, walked back to the Slurpy machine, pumped out a cup full of Slurpy and took it to the counter to pay for it. The clerk behind the counter asked what was wrong with Bill, pointing to his pants. He answered "tennis ball". The clerk replied "Boy, that must really hurt, I had tennis elbow once and it about killed me!"

Blue Breaker

Medical Terms


Benign ===================== What you be after you be eight
Artery ===================== The study of paintings
Bacteria ===================== The back door to the cafeteria
Cesarean Section ===================== A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan ===================== Something for kitty
Cauterize ===================== Made eye contact with her
Colic ===================== A sheep dog
Coma ===================== A punctuation mark
D & C ===================== Where Washington is
Dilate ===================== To live long
Enema ===================== Not a friend
Fester ===================== Quicker than someone else
Fibula ===================== A small lie
Genital ===================== A non-Jewish person
G I Series ===================== World Series of military baseball
Hangnail ===================== What you hang your coat on
Impotent ===================== Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain ===================== Getting hurt at work
Medical staff ===================== A doctor's cane
Morbid ===================== A higher offer than what I bid
Nitrates ===================== Cheaper than day rates
Node ===================== Was aware of
Outpatient ===================== A person who has fainted
Pap Smear ===================== A fatherhood test
Pelvis ===================== Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative ===================== A letter carrier
Recovery Room ===================== Place to do upholstery
Rectum ===================== Damn near killed him
Secretion ===================== Hiding something
Seizure ===================== A Roman emperor
Tablet ===================== A small table
Terminal illness ===================== Getting sick at the airport
Tumor ===================== More than one
Urine ===================== Opposite of you're out
Varicose ===================== Near by/close by
Vein ===================== Conceited

Blue Breaker

Fruit Cake Recipe

You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check its quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn off the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bow. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the miserer.

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beateres, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of sale. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you can fine. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Blue Breaker

Penis Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German Study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust the British or German studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete, and came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

Blue Breaker

The Car Accident

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin.

The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

Blue Breaker

Zachary Disease

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your butt!"

Blue Breaker

Henry and the Chickens

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.

There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, point to the sky. "Buzzard's"

Blue Breaker

An Interesting Comparison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars. :)

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are OCCASIONALLY wardens who are sadistic.

At work we ALWAYS have managers.

Blue Breaker

A rule with no exceptions:

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." Marcia Mull

Blue Breaker

A Special Valentine Story

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.

In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.

When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.

"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen.

I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:

A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips.

"Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.

Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat.. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.

This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.

"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"

It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

Blue Breaker

Latest Bumper Stickers

Blue Breaker

Must be from Arkansas

On a Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away, and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my halfsister."

"Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not your father."

Blue Breaker

Life

Blue Breaker

Why I'm So Darn Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I have found out the real reason. I'm tired - because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government
and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there wasting time reading email !!

Blue Breaker

Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers

  1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  4. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
  5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
  7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
  8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
  9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  10.   For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  11.   The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  12.   The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
  13.   During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  14.   Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
  15.   Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  16.   Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
  17.   The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th Anniversary of his birth.
  18.   Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  19.   The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. Rhe congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  20.   The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,  which as usual fell upon her.
  21.   22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
  22.   A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
  23.   Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with? hymns from a full choir.
  24.   Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an aweful voice is sounding"
  25.   On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
  26.   Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
  27.   Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
  28.   The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  29.   Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  30.   8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  31.   The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  32.   Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
  33.   Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Blue Breaker

Computer Industry vs Auto Industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that get 1,000 mi./gal."

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
  6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
  7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
  10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  11. At frequent and unexpected intervals, a warning light would light up saying, "the engine has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Any further action by the driver would kill the engine.
Blue Breaker

Clocks in Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Blue Breaker

Tickle-Me Elmo

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle-me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles.

Blue Breaker

Flying off the Handle

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

Copyright © 1983 Crystal Clear Reflections