Stressed???

Why not indulge yourself....
spend the next few moments drenched in the "lighter side" of life!
Enjoy----
**For mature audiences...18 and older.
Not bad jokes...but, they are jokes for an older audience !!!!
If you know the author of any of the jokes listed, please email us, so we can give proper credit.

Free Stuff

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

You're not a kid anymore, when:

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead...

You can live without sex but not without glasses...

Your back goes out more than you do...

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room...

You buy a compass for the dash of your car...

You are proud of your lawn mower...

Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws...

You call Olan Mills before they call you...

Your arms are almost to short to read the newspaper...

You sing along with the elevator music...

You would rather go to work than stay home sick...

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline...

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations...

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life...

You make an appointment to see the dentist...

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge...

Neighbors borrow your tools ...

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"...

You have a dream about prunes...

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"...

You send money to PBS...

You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit...

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants...

You take a metal detector to the beach...

You wear black socks with sandals...

You know what the word "equity" means...

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television...

Your ears are hairier than your head...

You talk about" good grass " and you're referring to someone's lawn...

You get into a heated argument about pension plans...

You got cable for the weather channel...

You can go bowling without drinking...

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it...

Adam and Eve

Seems when God was just about done creating the universe, He had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.. ......." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

It's ok now, he's gone !!!

Top Ten Pearls of Wisdom from Kurt Vonnegut

One of the quickest-spreading e-mail legends ever was spawned last week; word of Kurt Vonnegut's hilarious and touching speech at this year's MIT commencement ceremony spread across the Net like wildfire. Whoops--not so fast! First, this year's MIT address was given by His Excellency Kofi Annan, secretary general of the United Nations. Second, the speech in question was actually written by Mary Schmich of the "Chicago Tribune." Kurt Vonnegut, however, has been busy writing these top ten pearls of wisdom for the digerati:

10. Wear sunscreen. Scratch that--you'll never see the sun.

9. Buy Microsoft stock before it's too late. Sell it before it's too late.

8. Encrypt.

7. Bathe.

6. Build an insanely great computer. Get fired from the company that builds it.

Come back ten years later and fire your successor after suckering him out of

$425 million.

5. As soon as you go public, build extravagant headquarters. You'll never have the chance again.

4. Customers can't wait. Bugs can.

3. Never trust a CEO with a fighter jet.

2. When in doubt, clone.

1. Make it up as you go along. Everybody else does.

The original speech is on the "Chicago Tribune" site:

http: //www.chicago.tribune.com/tribune.htm

Go to the bottom of the page and enter the title of the column - "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young," into the search field.

The New English - "New EC Regulations"

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as " EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome " ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like " fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent " e"s in the language is

disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing " th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining " ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

The Golfer

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?""

"It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Cosmo Quad vs Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, ' What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?' The young man replies 'A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000. 'That's a lot of money' says the old man, shocked. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, 'Can I take a look inside? 'Sure,' replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says 'That's a pretty nice car, all right!'

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my 7?' the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! 'Couldn't be,' thinks the guy. 'How could a moped outrun an RX-7?'

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WhoooooshKa-BbblaMMM!

It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Good Golly! it IS the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, 'You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man groans and replies 'Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!'

Bumper Stickers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpson's.

* Born free...Taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS...

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

* How can I miss you if you won't go away?

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* i souport publik edekashun.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Is Hell Endo or Exothermic?

A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet :

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

"With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions. One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

"Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.

"We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic."

New Virus Warning

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of " Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for school and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only classical music while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with even your mathematics teacher. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your parents' Visa card.

It will annoy your ancestors. It does not matter if they are dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to pester those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be very, very afraid.

...and in case some of you are a bit slow on the uptake, this is a joke!

Political Viruses

IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

PAT BUCHANNAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you order new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.

The Programmer and the Engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The Programmer looks at him puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his coworkers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Thou Shall Not....

A church minister had told his deacon that someone had stolen his bicycle and that he suspected the thief was a member of his congregation. The next Sunday, he decided to preach a sermon about the Ten Commandments because he felt that when he got to the commandment that says, "Thou shalt not steal," the thief would be shamed into returning the bicycle.

The next Sunday, his topic was the Ten commandments. But about halfway through his sermon, he abruptly switched his sermon to another subject.

Later the deacon asked him why he had changed his sermon. "Well" the minister said, "when I got to the commandment that says, "Thou shall not commit adultery,"

I remembered where I left my bicycle."

Elevator Experience

Two men are on an elevator, one is a massive black man: 6'9" 300 lbs. as wide a doorway. The other is a rather smallish man 5'5" slight build and basically wimpy looking. The little guy gets on the elevator as the door opens and is taken aback by the sheer size of the large man and his face shows it...the black man says: 6 feet 9 inches, 300 pounds, 18 inch cock, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

At that the small man goes completely pale and faints, falls to the floor of the elevator, to be shaken awake by the large man. The large man helps the small man to his feet and asks are you OK? The small man asks: what did you say before I fainted? The large mans repeats: 6 feet 9 inches, 300 pounds, 18 inch cock, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small man replies: what a relief, your name is Turner Brown...I though you said "turn around"

Attitude IS Everything

By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed Him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood." I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man. "I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

U have 2 choices now:

1. save and delete this mail from your mail box.

2. forward it your dear ones and choose .......

I hope, you will choose choice 2.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

The Pope: That is only for God to know.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The > chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. > Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both > cross roads AND balance your checkbook .

M.C.Escher : style='font-size: 10.0pt;color:red'> That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes > also across you.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. > > > Ralph Waldo

Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? > Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross it, I've not been told!

O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

The Wisdom of Children

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said " Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

The Parachute Paradigm

Who is the "they" and '"them?"

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

An 89 y/o's confession

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 89 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, 5 great grandchildren and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

"I've Learned - from mouths of "babes"...

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't. --- age 8

I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate more. --- age 6

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it mom makes me clean it up. ---- age 13

I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. ---age 9

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. ---age 7

I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. --- age 7

I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. ---age 10

I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster because they're fish. ---age 7

I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop what they're doing and wave back. ---age 9

I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood. ---age 8

I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look. ---age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. ---age 13

I've learned that parents are very hard to live with. ---age 12

I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes she's broke. --- age 8

I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is going on. --- age 11

I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. --- age 11

I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful. ---age 6

I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands. --- age 13

I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. --- age 10

I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. ---age 8

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". --- age 7

I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball. --- age 10

I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. ---age 7

I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know the answer. --- age 9

I've learned how to hold animals without killing them. --- age 5

I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. --- age 9

I've learned that goldfish don't like jello. ---age 5

I've learned that you should say your prayers every night. ---age 9

I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. ---age 6

I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts. ---age 7

Dating--A Glossary of Terms

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Serious Math

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son.

"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Condom Joke

Awhile back, Gorbachev called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

" Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Gorbachev. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Gorbachev.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Gorbachev.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Circumcision

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

International Performance in Bed

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I goa down and gently tickle da back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy"

The Frenchman replies - " Zat is nossing, when Ah ' ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down er body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!"

Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved?

And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven, into my lock".

Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Intimate Humor

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?

It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

When I die I want to go like my grandmother--in her sleep, not

screaming like the passengers in her car.

Joining this church...

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly wed couple--wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, " Well,were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks. I couldn't control myself by the time the second week rolled around," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."

Mystery Solved

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," the monkey said. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.

The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," the lion said.

Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.

What they really mean...

"I'm going fishing."

Really means...

"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

 

"Let's take your car."

Really means....

"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

 

"Woman driver."

Really means....

"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

 

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."

Really means....

"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

 

"It's a guy thing."

Really means....

"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means....

"Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really mean....

Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

 

"Good idea."

Really means....

"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

 

"Have you lost weight?"

Really means....

"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

 

"My wife doesn't understand me."

Really means....

"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

 

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means....

"I have no idea how it works."

 

"I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means....

"The batteries in the remote are dead."

 

"I got a lot done."

Really means....

"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

 

"We're going to be late."

Really means....

"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

 

"Hey, I've read all the classics."

Really means....

"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

 

"You cook just like my mother used to."

Really means....

"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

 

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."

Really means....

"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means....

"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means....

"Are you still talking?"

 

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

Really means....

"I forgot our anniversary again."

 

"You expect too much of me."

Really means....

"You want me to stay awake."

 

"It's a really good movie."

Really means....

"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

 

"That's women's work."

Really means....

"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

 

"Will you marry me?"

Really means....

"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

 

"Go ask your mother."

Really means....

"I am incapable of making a decision."

 

"You know how bad my memory is."

Really means....

"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

Really means....

"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 

"Football is a man's game."

Really means....

"Women are generally too smart to play it."

 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means....

"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

 

"I do help around the house."

Really means....

"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means....

"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

"I can't find it."

Really means....

"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

"What did I do this time?"

Really means....

"What did you catch me at?"

 

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"

Really means....

"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

 

"She's one of those rabid feminists."

Really means....

"She refused to make my coffee."

 

"But I hate to go shopping."

Really means....

"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

 

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."

Really means....

"You may actually get it to start."

 

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."

Really means....

"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

 

"I heard you."

Really means....

"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

 

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means....

"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

 

"You look terrific."

Really means....

"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

 

"I brought you a present."

Really means....

"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

 

"I missed you."

Really means....

"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means....

"No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"We share the housework."

Really means....

"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 

"This relationship is getting too serious."

Really means....

"I like you more than my truck."

 

"I recycle."

Really means....

"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

 

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."

Really means....

"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."

Really means....

"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."

Really means....

"It was on sale."

 

"I don't need to read the instructions."

Really means....

"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

 

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."

Really means....

"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

 

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."

Really means....

"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window .."

 

"I broke up with her."

Really means....

"She dumped me."

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

*** Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

*** Fetch command not available on all platforms.

*** Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

*** Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

*** Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".

*** Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

*** Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing (www.pethouse.com) instead of working.

*** Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

*** Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

*** Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

*** Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

*** Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

*** 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

*** Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

*** SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

*** SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

*** Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

*** Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

*** Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

***TrO{gO DsA[ M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*

(* 1 Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

Bill Gates

Bill Gates suddenly dies, and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95, among other indiscretions....

I believe I'll do something I've never done before, I'll let YOU decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision.

Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "If I have to choose only one, I believe I'll take Hell, sir." And with that, a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke again appeared, and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked Bill. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening!

What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

The Man & the Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. he couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Dog crossbreeds

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States:

Pointer + Setter

Poinsetter , a traditional Christmas pet

 

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier

Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

 

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund

Pyradachs , a puzzling breed

 

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso

Peekasso , an abstract dog

 

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

 

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

 

Newfoundland + Basset Hound

Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

 

Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull , a dog that makes awful mistakes

 

Bloodhound + Labrador

Blabador , a dog that barks incessantly

 

Malamute + Pointer

Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

 

Collie + Malamute

Commute, a dog that travels to work

 

Deerhound + Terrier

Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

 

Bull Terrier + Shitzu

Bullshitz , a gregarious but unreliable breed

Assmoticons - "ass icons"

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) and ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_ zzz_) a tired ass

(_ o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

Lawyers...

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off of you when you die.

 

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

 

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

 

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

 

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

When they land, they screw up everything forever.

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

Lawyer's creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

 

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.

 

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

 

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

Chelsea.

 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

 

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)

... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

 

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

 

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice

Frog humor

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into a castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.

Farmer John

Farmer John decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer John.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer John responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer John said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer John's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.

Now, How are You feeling?"....

Wm. C Breuer

When you feel a bit down, aggravated with administration or 3rd party payors or the system in general...this might be of help:

A friend of ours was walking down a deserted beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see a small girl in the distance. As he grew nearer, he notice that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again she kept tossing things out into the ocean.

As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the girl was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, she was throwing them back into the water. Our friend was puzzled. He approached the girl and said, "Good evening, young lady. I was wondering what you are doing."

"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen."

"I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many. And don't you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast? Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"

The girl smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and as she threw it back into the sea, she replied, "Made a difference to that one!

Lost in the fog

There was a pilot flying a small single engine plane with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he started running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted to the guy "Hey, where am I?

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up the window, executed a 275 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stopped, so did the engine as the fuel ran out.

The passengers were amazed and one asked how he did it. "Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct - but absolutely useless.

Therefore I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away."

A math problem

Follow the simple instructions below -- and don't skip to the bottom or you'll ruin the surprise. (The numerically challenged may need a calculator.)

1. Pick the number of times a week that you'd like to have sex.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add five.

4. Multiply the number by 50.

5. If you've already had your birthday this year, add 1,747.; if you

haven't, add 1,746.

6. Subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

RESULTS:

You should now have a three -- or four -- digit number. The first and/or second digits of this number is the number you chose in the first step (that is, how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age.

The Man and the Frog/Princess

Alexander Black at LCP-ED

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

PLAY on WORDS

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

***

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,doc."

***

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

***

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

***

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

***

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

The Mermaid

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe ... won't you ask for something else ...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman.

Man and his parrot...

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets - very - quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way...what did the chicken do?"

A Little Real-Life Humor from Children

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a pound puppy, underwear and a superman cape...it is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20’ room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

>

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak--it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old - " duplos" will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. "Ditto" Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in Duncan, OK has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- 5 lbs. of all purpose flour and 1 glass of water = 3 hours of hard labor.

- A peanut WILL go up the nose of a 2 year old.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the Internet:

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.

1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.

Passing Gas...

An older man went to see his doctor. "Doc," he said, "I have been passing a gas for a couple of weeks now and it's strange because it does not stink or make a sound when passed.

It's happening so often, I'm embarrassed to be out in public. It happened a couple of times while I was waiting in the exam room to see you. Is there anything you can do to help me?" After an exam the doctor told him to take some pills he prescribed, and to come back in a week.

One week later, the man came to see the doctor and he was very angry. "Doc," he said, "the problem is no better, in fact it is worse!!! Now I'm not only passing as much gas as before, but it's starting to stink!!!"

"Great," said the doctor. "Now that I've cured your sense of smell, it's time to talk about getting a hearing aid.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

- Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says

- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

- Farmer Bill dies in house

- Iraqi head seeks arms

- Stud tires out

- Prostitutes appeal to Pope

- Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

- Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

- Eye drops off shelf

- Teacher strikes idle kids

- Squad helps dog bite victim

- Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

- Enraged cow injures house

- Miners refuse to work after death

- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

- Stolen painting found by tree

- Two soviet ships collide, one dies

- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

- Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

- War dims hope for peace

- If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

- Cold wave linked to temperatures

- Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

Famous Viruses

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS---Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and the slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS---Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting .

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS---Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS---Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS---Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darned thing quits

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS---It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS---Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS---Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS---Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS---the computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

PBS VIRUS---Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS---Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

OJ VIRUS---It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

 

AIRLINE VIRUS---You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Identifying the Body

Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends,

Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Swen said " Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over, and Swen looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange.

Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body, and Lars looked at him and said " Yaa, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf."

The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olaf had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

" Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two assholes!"

THE TOP TEN REASONS - TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

and , the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

Universal Truth

A universal truth is something that is true at all times for all people.

Here are a few:

1. Beware of any project that starts with the words, "Remove old finish."
2. True happiness is finding someone who will put up with you and the first step in finding that person is admitting that you need some putting up with.
3. If you wonder why something is the way it is, find out who is making money from it being that way.
4. If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert. Banana cream pie, for example, is just another part of the meal like the green beans or asparagus.
5. Whenever someone tells you they are doing something for your own good, you can be certain that you won't like it. Furthermore, they will expect you to pay for it. If they are protecting your morals, you'll have to pay double.
6. Not all lawyers should be shot. Some should be hanged.
7. Nothing is so perfect that someone, somewhere, won't hate it.
8. Real knowledge is knowing where to find the answers.
9. The world is run by the people that show up.
10. Information is not knowledge anymore than loose ingredients are a cake.
11. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
12. Intellectualism must not be confused with wisdom.
13. The problem with doing something right the first time is that no one knows how difficult it was.
14. The difference between adventure and disaster is preparation.
15. Few things in life succeed as well as a power-on reset.
16. The most popular human pastime is denial.
17. Forgiveness is easier to obtain than permission.
18. Any solution proposed by a politician will contain more problems than it solves.
19. Don't worry, you're not the first.
20. You can have it if you're willing to pay for it.
21. Man's most precious possessions are his delusions.

The Execution

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.

She said no and the executioner shouted..... Ready.....Aim...!! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around.

She escaped.

So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests.

She said no, and the executioner shouted....Ready...Aim....!! and suddenly the redhead yelled....."TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around.

She escaped.

Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.

She said no and the executioner shouted......Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"

Presidential Humor

By the way, did you hear about the time that Bill, Hillary and Al were in an airplane that crashed?

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first.

Al, what do you believe in?

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

Software Support

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

....."Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

....."Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

....."They disappeared."

"Hmm. style=' So what does your screen look like now?"

....."Nothing."

"Nothing?"

....."It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

....."How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

.....What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. style=' Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

....."There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

....."What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

....."I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

...."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

....."No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

...."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

.....I can't reach."

"Uh huh. style=' Well, can you see if it is?"

....."No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

....."Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

....."Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

....."I can't."

"No? Why not?"

....."Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

....."Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

....."Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

....."Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The Marathoner

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nudie answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nude answered, "Only if it's raining."

Plane Trip

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip gets caught in an unexpectedly strong storm. The plane is buffeted by rain, hail and strong winds. The pilot deftly tries to navigate the plane through the ever-worsening conditions. The passengers are nervously consoling each other until they are startled by a large crash as lightening strikes the end of one of the wings.

All the passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. As the screams subside but the fear does not, a young woman exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?!!"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. Even in the poor illumination of the plane's emergency lights, she can see the striations of his large,toned muscles. He stands in front of her, powerfully clutching the seat for balance, hands her his shirt and says, " Here. Iron this."

Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails and started to fill their pockets and shirts, When they could hold no more nuts they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me"

As they were doing this a passerby happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but could not see the boys as they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father, Father," he yelled as he entered his house. '"The cemetery. Come quick!!!"

"What's the matter?" the father asked?

"No time to explain." the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!!!"

The boy and the father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road, and all fell silent for a few moments, Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

Do you hear that? he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!!"

The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other...

"Now as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road we'll have them all."

Southern " Hickphonics"

The Atlanta School Board, has decided to designate Southern slang, or " Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot- lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. (alt. sp. AWL) A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot- lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ...must be from some farn country."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give ' im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Kids, y'all stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense of see.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far yew!"

Lawyer Joke

An elderly, but powerful and wealthy, lawyer is sitting in a very nice restaurant with his trophy wife of many years. A beautiful young woman comes up and chats with the man for a few minutes, then leaves. The wife says "Who was that?" He answers "My mistress". His wife is shocked. She sits quietly for a few moments and finally announces that "a mistress is not acceptable! I'll have to ask for a divorce". The lawyer answers that with the agreement that she signed she will get no money, no house in the Caribbean, no cars, furs, or jewelry. The wife says nothing.

While they eat in silence another older lawyer from the firm comes in with a beautiful young woman. They proceed to eat and the young woman flirts with the other lawyer. The wife whispers to her husband "who is that?" and nods to the couple at the other table. He answers "oh, that's his mistress".

The wife is silent for a few minutes then announces "ours is cuter."

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

3. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

4. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

5. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

7. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

9. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

11. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

12. Send email messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

13. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

pun- ishment , hehehe!

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

• Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

• A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

• Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

• A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why? ", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

• A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

• A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

•   There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Holiday Humor

Somewhere in the following list is your new motto. It's up to you to find it.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

* Chastity is curable, if detected early.

* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

* Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Another "Blonde" Joke

Eight very happy blondes walked into a neighborhood bar cheering "51 days, 51 days" and giving each other high fives.

One of them called out to the bartender, "Whew, we are celebrating 51 days, give us a round of beer!" They laughed and cheered and drank with the conversation being peppered with comments about 51 days.

Every once in a while one of them would call for another round of beer to celebrate 51 days. As much as the bartender tried to piece together the importance of 51 days, he could not. Finally, as he brought these eight happy blondes their eighth round of beers he could not hold his curiosity any longer. He said, "What's this big deal about 51 days that has you pretty things out celebrating tonight?"

One of the blondes turned to him and said, "Well, we got one of those jigsaw puzzles that said 2 to 4 years on the side of the box, and we were able to finish it in only 51 days."

Draw a pig

Please do this! It's worth the 3 minutes.

DRAW A PIG ---- DON'T CHEAT, BECAUSE IF YOU DO IT WON'T WORK. DRAW THE PIG FIRST AND JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. IT WON'T TAKE BUT A MINUTE. HAVE FUN.

THIS IS QUITE INTERESTING! YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE. NO CHEATING, NOW. YOU WILL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING IF YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE FIRST!

On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!! Draw your pig First! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first.

YOU'RE CHEATING! DRAW THE FRIGGIN PIG!!!

The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.

If the pig is drawn:

Toward the top of the paper - you are positive and optimistic.

Toward the middle - you are a realist.

Toward the bottom - you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.

Facing left - you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)

Facing right - you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.

Facing front (looking at you) - you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

Facing rear - Hmmm, when did you last visit a psychologist??

With many details - you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.

With few details - you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.

With less than 4 legs showing - you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.

With 4 legs showing - you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And again more is better! Doesn't it go without saying?)

OK, who didn't draw a tail?

True Stories of the Highway Patrol

Who said cops don't have a sense of humor?

A true story from San Francisco...

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained a picture of handcuffs.

Science News Flash

Last week scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Update to Science News Flash

It has been confirmed that beer actually contains small traces of MALE hormones NOT female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that these women became obsessed with sex but fell asleep long before they could please their partners.

Most Embarrassing Moment's

Contest in New Woman Magazine:

"It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came around the counter to help me - some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors."

-Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

Dangerous Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande and robbing Texas banks. A reward was offered and an enterprising Texas Ranger finally captured him in his favorite saloon. He put his gun to the bandit's head and said, "Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your head off!"

However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish, but there was a bilingual lawyer present who translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the saloon. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. "He said: "Get lost jerk. You don't have the guts to shoot

Combat Rules:

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4. The easy way is always mined.

5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:

1. When you're ready for them.

2. When you're not ready for them.

8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

15. When in doubt empty the magazine.

16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.

24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Another Blonde Joke

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,

" Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,

"Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe, " Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked,

"Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

The Golfing Preacher

A preacher, who was an avid golfer, grabbed every chance he could to swing away at the golf course. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Wellness Tips We Can Learn From A Dog... Or God If You're Dyslexic

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them

Let others know when they've invaded you territory

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience

Take naps and stretch before rising

Run, romp and play daily

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm

Be loyal

Never pretend to be something you're not

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them...gently

Thrive on attention and let people touch you

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

Another "Blonde" Joke

Eight very happy blondes walked into a neighborhood bar cheering "51 days, 51 days" and giving each other high fives. One of them called out to the bartender, "Whew, we are celebrating 51 days, give us a round of beer!" They laughed and cheered and drank with the conversation being peppered with comments about 51 days. Every once in a while one of them would call for another round of beer to celebrate 51 days. As much as the bartender tried to piece together the importance of 51 days, he could not. Finally, as he brought these eight happy blondes their eighth round of beers he could not hold his curiosity any longer. He said, "What's this big deal about 51 days that has you pretty things out celebrating tonight?" One of the blondes turned to him and said, "Well, we got one of those jigsaw puzzles that said 2 to 4 years on the side of the box, and we were able to finish it in only 51 days."

Lawyer humor...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

TEN WAYS....U know U Married a COP!

10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up

9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"

8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie

7. Calls farting his "silent alarm"

6. The obvious night-stick reference.

5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"

4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzeer!"

3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.

2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.

1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!

The Corvette & the 10-speed

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".

All Those Who Push Your Students Into Computer Use, Be Well Advised....

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire,you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed.I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters:

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.

Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked, too.

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, Bill.

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, Bill.

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, Bill.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much,

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

How to Kill an Eel...

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick....a BIG eel around 9 inches long had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got really big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.

Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

My First Mammogram

For years and years they told me;

"Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests".

So, I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,

The doctor found a lump.

He ordered up a Mammogram

To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close", she said

as she got my tit in line.

"And tell me when it hurts", she said.

"Ah yes! There! That's just fine".

She stepped upon a pedal...

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down...

My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched and stretched,

From way up by my chin.

And my poor tit was being squashed

To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it's vice-like grip.

A prisoner in the vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath", she said to me.

Who does she think she's kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine.

I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good", I heard her say,

As the room was slowly swaying.

"Now let's get the other one".

Lord, have mercy, I was praying

It squeezed me from the up and down.

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet she's never had this done,

To her tender little hide.

If I had no problem when I came in.

I surely had one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped --- ker pow!

This machine was made by man,

Of this I have no doubt.

I'd like to get his balls in there.

For months he'd go "without"!

The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, your own Agnes

================================================

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift, just imagine, two turtle doves....I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

=================================================

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh aren"t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve Such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.....you're just to kind.

Love, Agnes

======================================================

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

=====================================================

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All My Love, Agnes

=========================================================

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

==========================================================

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those clucking birds????? Seven swans a swimming! What kind of a sick joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY!.........so stop with the birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

====================================================

December 21st

Ok Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking. but they had to bring their own stupid cows. There are cow turds all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me.

Agnes

=======================================================

December 22nd

Hey Turdhead:

What are you? Some kind of a sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing, and man do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

Agnes McCallister

=======================================================

December 23rd

You Rotten Bastard:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been chasing those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of you know what. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police about you.

One who means it, Agnes

====================================================

December 24th

Listen you SOB. What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? They are leaping on the milking maids and on the dancing ladies. Some of those ladies will never dance again. Those pipers are done with the maids and are now chasing the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

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December 25th (From the law offices of Teaker, Spredar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

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The Costume

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!

Science Project

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical " dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

style='color:green'>Forty-three (43) said yes,

style='color:green'>six style='color:green'> (6) were undecided,

style='color:green'>and style='color:green'> only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

The answer is obvious

Prayer for the Day

Dear God,

So far today, I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped and I haven't lost my temper.

I haven't been grumpy, nasty, or selfish.

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and that is when

I'm going to need a lot of help.

Amen

Webster's definition of Windows 95:

Noun, 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

B-4 vs B-52

A twin-engine F-4 fighter was flying escort to a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message to the B-52 crew was 'anything you can do, I can do better.'

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. However, the B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the F-4 fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Mottos To Live By

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

* Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

* Borrow money from pessimists+they don't expect it back.

* 2.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Sweet Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After the check up, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2. At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3. For dinner, fix him especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods, and don't burden him with household chores or problems.

4. Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.

" You're going to die," she said.

The Decision Makers

1. Beware of the most dangerous person in decision meetings – the articulate incompetent.

2. People in meetings tend to agree on decisions that, as individuals, they know are dumb.

3. If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

4. It does not matter how many pails of milk you spill, as long as you do not lose the cow.

5. Do not hold a $1000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.

6. Do not try to do something cheaply that should not be done at all.

7. Learn from the mistakes of others. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself.

8. The greatest mistake a decision-maker can make is to be afraid of making a mistake.

9. To finish sooner, take your time.

10. Never let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

11. Having something to say is always more important than wanting to say something.

12. The decision-maker that makes no mistakes usually makes no decisions.

13. Foolish ideas dressed up to look impressive are usually dreamed up by impressive fools.

14. "You never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him."

(Lou Holtz)

15. If your organization is stupid enough to be run by a committee, be on that committee.

16. The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of meeting the schedule has been forgotten.

17. To get the right answer, it helps to ask the right question.

18. Any problem you can solve with a check is not a problem, it's an expense.

19. "There is always a right way and a wrong way to succeed"

20. Finally: The executive who works from 6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. every day will be both very successful and fondly remembered by his widow's next husband.

Vacation

After so many years since his last vacation, God was worn out.

One day, God called to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I really need a vacation. Do you have any suggestions about where I might go?"

St. Peter thought about it for a few minutes, and then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice this time of year."

God replied, "No, too much gravity on Jupiter, it hurts my back."

St. Peter said, "OK...Hmmm. How about Mercury?"

God replied, "No way! It's way too hot on Mercury for me."

St. Peter then exclaimed, "I've got it! How about going to Earth for your vacation?"

God looked at Peter and said, "Are you kidding? I went there 2,000 years ago, and had an affair with some Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it!"

Screwed Again

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. The panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club, slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Pumpkin Pie

Cinderella really wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her.

As Cinderella sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

The fairy said, "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agreed and said, "What's the second condition?"

The fairy replied, "You must be home by 12 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agreed to be home by 12, just happy that she was able to go to the ball.

The appointed hour came and went, and Cinderella still did not show up.

The fairy godmother became worried, but waited some more.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella showed up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother, "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!! Are you ok??"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "He took care of everything."

The fairy replied, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

Cinderella thought for a second and replied, "I can't remember, exactly ....Peter Peter, something or other...."

The Doctors Visit

A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked, what can I do for you?

The man said, will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and he charged them $ 32.00 for an office visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, Just what are you trying to find out?

The old guy said, We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $85.00 for a room, the Hilton charges $125.00. Here we do it for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors office!!!!!!!!!!

The Base Ball Fans

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Golf

One day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

After a short debate, Moses decided to go first.

He settled up for the shot and hammered it straight for the green.

Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky, and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses, and said, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."

So Jesus settled up for his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green.

Unfortunately, Jesus had the same luck that Moses had. The ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounced on top the water and rolled up on the green, only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"

No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly, a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit their balls.

Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth; the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!!!"

The Hell You Say?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown woke up early and went to their local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talked about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!

Everyone started screaming and ran for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from the Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

This confused Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man said, "Yep, sure do."

Satan said, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, said, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

The Cookie

THIS IS TRUE...PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS....THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC.

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie".

( Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States). It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." "Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty". I said with approval, "just add it to my tab. it's a great deal!"

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe $250.00. That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point."

I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money."

I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States and Canada with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for FREE.

She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off", and I slammed the phone on her. So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want Nieman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe....

(Recipe may be halved.):

2 cups butter

4 cups flour

1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)

2 cups sugar

4 eggs

5 cups blended oatmeal**

2 tsp. Baking powder

24 oz. chocolate chips

2 tsp. vanilla

2 cups brown sugar

3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. Soda

** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!!

THIS IS *NOT* A JOKE --- this is a true story.. Enjoy all!

Jingle Gates

(by Chet Raymo)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums

(ahem - pardon me)

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,

It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,

and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

20 Reasons Why Mountain Bikes Are Better than Guys

(1) Mountain bikes don't fool around with other mountain bikes.

(2) Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.

(3) You can share your mountain bike with your friends.

(4) Mountain bikes don't care how many other mountain bikes you have ridden.

(5) Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at you.

(6) Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain bikes.

(7) If you're mountain bike goes flat, you can fix it.

(8) If you're mountain bike is too short, you can raise its seat.

(9) If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

(10) If you say bad things to your bike, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

(11) Your mountain bike won't start going until YOU are ready.

(12) You can ride you mountain bike as long as you like and it won't get tired.

(13) Your mountain bike won't fall asleep after you ride it.

(14) Your parents won't remain in touch with your old mountain bike after you dump it.

(15) There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.

(16) Mountain bikes don't mistrust you if you are an experienced rider.

(17) If your mountain bike looks bad, you can paint it or get new parts.

(18) You don't have to cover your mountain bike with rubber when you ride it.

(19) You don't have to worry about where your mountain bike has been before you met it.

(20) You and your mountain bike always arrive at the same time.

The Baseball Fans

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Golf

One day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

After a short debate, Moses decided to go first.

He settled up for the shot and hammered it straight for the green.

Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky, and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses, and said, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."

So Jesus settled up for his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green.

Unfortunately, Jesus had the same luck that Moses had. The ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounced on top the water and rolled up on the green, only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"

No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly, a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit their balls.

Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth; the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!!!"

The Hell You Say?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown woke up early and went to their local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talked about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!

Everyone started screaming and ran for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from the Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

This confused Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man said, "Yep, sure do."

Satan said, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, said, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Santa Claus

North Pole, North Pole

December 23, 1996

 

Barbie

c/o Mattel, Inc.

El Segundo, CA 90245

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 38 years-I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

The Cookie Recipe

THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND PLEASE

SEND THIS TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS....THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC.

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". (Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States). It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." "Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty".

I said with approval, "just add it to my tab. it's a great deal!" Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe $250.00. That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point. " I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States and Canada with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for FREE.

She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off", and I slammed the phone on her.

So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want Nieman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe.... (Recipe may be halved.):

2 cups butter

4 cups flour

1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)

2 cups sugar

4 eggs

5 cups blended oatmeal**

2 tsp. Baking powder

24 oz. chocolate chips

2 tsp. vanilla

2 cups brown sugar

3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. Soda

** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts.

Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.

Makes 112 cookies.

Have fun!!! THIS IS NOT A JOKE --- this is a true story..Enjoy all!

Testosterone

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom—a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction—he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

PLANTS:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker—sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things.. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

Jingle Gates

(by Chet Raymo)

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

Mailto:santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums

(ahem - pardon me)

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,

It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,

and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

20 Reasons Why Mountain Bikes Are Better than Guys

1. Mountain bikes don't fool around with other mountain bikes.
2. Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.
3. You can share your mountain bike with your friends.
4. Mountain bikes don't care how many other mountain bikes you have ridden.
5. Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at you.
6. Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain bikes.
7. If you're mountain bike goes flat, you can fix it.
8. If you're mountain bike is too short, you can raise its seat.
9. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
10. If you say bad things to your mountain bike, you don't have to apologize before you ran ride it again.
11. Your mountain bike won't start going until YOU are ready.
12. You can ride you mountain bike as long as you like and it won't get tired.
13. Your mountain bike won't fall asleep after you ride it.
14. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old mountain bike after you dump it.
15. There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.
16. Mountain bikes don't mistrust you if you are an experienced rider.
17. If your mountain bike looks bad, you can paint it or get new parts.
18. You don't have to cover your mountain bike with rubber when you ride it.
19. You don't have to worry about where your mountain bike has been before you met it.
20. You and your mountain bike always arrive at the same time.

True Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you

drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first.I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Single

OK, All of you single people out there (myself included). We've heard this question so many times from family and friends, that here are a few good retorts to send back their way.

1. I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you.
2. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
3. It gives my mother something to live for.
4. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
5. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
6. What? And spoil my great sex life?
7. Nobody would believe me in white.
8. Because I just love hearing this question.
9. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get TWO tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. (A New York Special)
12. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
13. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

Late for the Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. ½ hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. ½ hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

The Stress Diet

(This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the course of the day.)

BREAKFAST

½ grapefruit

1 slice of whole wheat toast

8 oz. low fat or skim milk

LUNCH

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

Rest of Oreo's in pack

2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream

1 jar hot fudge sauce

Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER

2 loaves garlic bread with cheese

Large sausage & cheese pizza

4 cans or 1 large pitcher beer (non-alcoholic, I sure hope)

3 Milky Way candy bars

LATE EVENING NEWS SNACK

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheese cake.
5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are: Milk Duds, Hot Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes caloric leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples include: spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream, etc.

IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!! Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food at any time during this diet.

Linda P. Kemper

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much,impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!

Grown Up Words

A first grade teacher was addressing her new class. "Children, you are no longer in kindergarten, you must learn to use grown-up words now. I want everyone to tell me what they did over the summer. Sandy, you go first." instructed the teacher. "I went to see my Nana!" replied Sandy. "No," corrected the teacher, "you went to visit your Grandmother." Billy was next. "I rode on a choo-choo!" "No Billy, you traveled on a train!" said the teacher. "Johnny, what did you do?" she asked. "I read a book" Johnny gleamed with pride! "Very good, Johnny. What book did you read?" she asked. Johnny sat up straight in his chair, smiled with confidence and proudly said, "Winnie the Shit!"

The Bavarian Painter

A hapless hobo comes to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. Soon, the well-dressed owner of the farm answers, "Yes, what is it?" The hobo begs, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The farm owner sternly says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around to the back, you will see a gallon of gray paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch at the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo gladly agrees and quickly goes around back. Soon afterwards, he again knocks on the door. The owner smiles, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." After the hobo finishes a grand meal he turns to the farm owner and says, "Thank you very much, sir... By the way, there's something that I think you should know. That's not a Porsche you've got back there. It's a BMW."

God's Christmas Letter to All,

My Dear Children (and believe me, that's all of you), I consider myself a pretty patient guy. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place, cell by cell, and gene by gene. I've been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.

But on this occasion of My Son's birthday, I want to let you know about some of the things that are starting to tick me off.

First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough already! Let's get one thing straight. These are YOUR religions, not Mine. I'm the whole enchilada; I'm beyond them all. Every one of your religions claims there's only one of Me (which by the way, is absolutely true). But in the very next breath, each religion claims it's My favorite one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all the other bibles are man-made. Oh Me. How do I even begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

Okay, listen up now. I'm your Father AND Mother, and I don't play favorites among My children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bibles, were written by men and women. There were inspired, remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word more than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to me—even a bum on the street—is worth more than all the Holy Books in the world. That's just the kind of guy I am. My Spirit is not an historical thing, it alive right here, right now, as fresh as your next breath.

Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but not more so than the least of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win souls; for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favors. I can stand quite well on my own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me, and I don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each other.

And another thing: I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example, I swear to Me that I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode in any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royce's. I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I've never EVER had a conversation with Jim Baker, Jerry Falwell, or Jimmy Swaggart! Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to...

The thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of your religions is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you with no strings attached. Lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion is best for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your Scriptures and say, Well, if THIS is the truth, then THAT can't be But instead of trying to figure out My Paradoxes and Unfathomable Nature—which by the way, you NEVER will—why not open your hearts to the simple common threads in every religion?

You know what I'm talking about: Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I am always with you. Learn how to be quiet, so you can hear My still, small voice (I don't like to shout). Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My Own Child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't worry, be happy (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but Who do you think gave it to him in the first place?)

Simple stuff. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I'm very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether you call me God, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Wakantonka, Brahma, Father, Mother or even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My special children you feel closest to—Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? You can call Me and My Special Ones any name you choose, if only you would go about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

I'm not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions, honor them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honor, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart; I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine all the Great Traditions in One Big Mess. Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children—the ones that your religions revolve around—all live in the same place (My heart) and they get along perfectly, I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion. The whole planet is connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases, and mutual needs and concerns. Get with the program! If you really want to help Me celebrate the birthday of My Son Jesus, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry, clothe your naked, protect your abused, and shelter your poor. And just as importantly, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humor. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living, loving, and laughing together.

Finally, My Children everywhere, remember whose birth is honored on December 25th, and the fearlessness with which He chose to live and die. As I love Him, so do I love each one of you. I'm not really ticked off, I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than to try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? After all, I AM the original Jewish Mother. I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the Dark.

I really Am, indeed, I swear, with you always. Always. Trust in Me.

Your One and Only, God

Indoctrination

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, "If you're going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important." He then said to his aide, "Let him go." The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping. The general looked straight at his new people and said

"You're each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT." He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees.

Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, "This is COMMITMENT!" He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

"That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate HIS commitment?" There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an Air Force fighter pilot stepped forward and said, "I will, sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."

MEMO from SANTA

TO: All Employees

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse.

Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese a laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids a milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a mending, a mentoring, or a mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords a leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out of work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers a suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Questions should be directed to me.

(Signed)

S. Claus

Christmas Cheer!

IT MUST BE TRUE, IT'S IN THE BIBLE

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

The Blonde and the Pharmacist

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Chores

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

Perspective – Each to their own

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

And God Answered....

 

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of

your pennies?"

God smiled and replies, "Certainly, just a second."

The Barru

This Irish guy, Joe, goes into a local bar, The Barru, one afternoon for a few, quiet, beers. He sits down at the bar and orders a Coors. After the bartender delivered it he sat there quietly all by himself, as he was the only patron in the bar, and drank his beer and ate some of the nuts in the bowl, on the bar.

A little while later, before he had finished his 1st beer, he hears a voice say, "GREAT LOOKING TIE". Since he was still the only one in the bar, except the bartender, he did not know what to make of it, so he just orders another Coors.

When he was almost finished with his 2nd beer, he hears this same voice say, "THE TIE EVEN MATCHES YOUR SHIRT". Now he was really puzzled. Since he was still the only one there except for the bartender, he felt he had to find out what was going on, so he asked the bartender, "Did you just hear that voice?"

The bartender replied, "Oh, you must not have heard about our complimentary' nuts!"

Quotes to Remember

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're ok, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your soul purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Be Careful what you Wish for...

A woman who had been married three times: one to a wife beater, one who ran away from her and one who was not good in bed, wanted to find a good man. She sent an ad in the paper saying I want a man who doesn't beat me, who won't run away from me and is good in bed. After two weeks of waiting nothing happened, then on the third week someone rang her doorbell. When she answered there was a man sitting there in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. She asked him what he was doing there and he said, I am here in answer to your ad in the paper. " I have no arms so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't run away form you." Then the lady said "well are you great in bed?" He answered "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Gates of Heaven

Three men arrive at the gates of Heaven and are immediately questioned by St Peter as to why they are there. "I wasn't expecting any of you for at least two decades let alone all on the same day."

He pulls the first man off to the side and asks him what happened. The man says "Well I got home from work early one day and wanted to romance my wife. We live on the 8th floor of a ten story apartment complex. I walked in and found my wife in the shower. I was sure she had cheated on me because she always showered right before we went to bed and she was trying to wash away any evidence. I looked in the bedroom, the closets, under the bed and all over but I couldn't find the man. Finally I looked out the window and saw ten fingers clinging to the ledge for dear life. I opened the window and smashed the guy's fingers with all my might until he let go. He fell four stories, bounced off a flag pole, flew over and hit a tree, slid down, and I'll be damned the guy lived. I was so angry, I went into the kitchen grabbed the refrigerator out of the kitchen and threw it down on top of him and killed him. After I realized what I had done, I took my own life rather than going to jail and live with the shame." St Peter says "O.K. just take a seat over there."

He takes the second guy aside to get his story. "Well St. Peter, I was washing windows on the 9th floor of an apartment building when the scaffolding broke and I fell. Luckily I grabbed a window ledge on the 8th floor, but as I was trying to pull my self up, some ass hole smashed my fingers. I fell four stories, bounced off a flagpole, flew over and hit a tree, slid down the tree and was miraculously alive. Then the guy throws a refrigerator down on top of me and kills me." St. Peter says "O.K. have a seat over here"

He turns to the third man and asks "Well I figured out what happened with those two, but what's your story?" The man says, "Well St. Peter, the last thing I remember, I was hiding inside a refrigerator.

Snack

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the owner "Can you give me two tattoos?"

He says "No problem."

"Will you put them anywhere I want them?" she asks.

"Sure. Where would you like them?"

She lifts up her right leg and points to the inside of her thigh. "I would like a turkey, right there."

He thinks it's a little odd but says "Ok. Where do you want the other one?"

She lifts up her left leg and points to the inside of that thigh. "I would like a pine tree, right there."

Now he's really puzzled. "Ok lady, I give up. There must be some meaning behind this."

"Well, you see, my husband always complains that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Vegas Brothel

An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?"

She replies, "About three nots."

He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"

She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!"

What can I get you today?

This guy walks into an elegant restaurant and takes a seat. The waitress walks up to take his order.

Waitress: "What can I get you today sir?"

Man: "Oh, I guess I will have a quickie!"

Waitress: "Pardon me sir!!!"

Man: "Quickie, I will have a quickie!"

The waitress slaps the hell out of the guy, and storms off to another table. While the guy is sitting there wondering what in the world happened, the man at the table behind our hero leans over and says,

"Excuse me sir, but I believe that is pronounced Quiche!!"

50th Anniversary

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table on morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for 50 years today!!"

"Yeah," she replied, "Imagine, 50 years ago we were sitting here at the breakfast table together."

"I know," he said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds 50 years ago!!'

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say? Should we, you know, get naked?" The couple stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know hun," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "There is one in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal!!"

The Tattoo

A guy walks into a Tattoo Parlor. The artist there asks him what kind of tattoo he wants, and he says he wants a tattoo of his girlfriend's name~~Wendy~~tattooed on his penis. The artist kept warning him, saying it would really hurt, and most of the time it would read "Wy" anyway. But, the guy didn't care. He wanted it anyway, saying it would probably boost up his sex life with his girlfriend. So, the artist put it on, and the guy went home and sure enough, Wendy was crazy about the tattoo and their sex life was great.

One day, the guy was driving somewhere and had to stop for gas. He went into the bathroom to take a leak, and he looked over at the man next to him in the urinal, and he saw that he had a tattoo that read "Wy" also! So he asked him, "Gee, is your girlfriend's name "Wendy" too?" He answered, "Get real. Mine says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day."

The Three Wise Firefighters

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene", great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

 

One small feature bothered me.

 

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

 

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

 

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Lonely

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said.

"Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.

There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home."

Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered—not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom—and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked down.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.

After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really, really miss... something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long, but on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible anymore," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly, "You mean you actually figured out a way we can check our e-mail here?"

Are you an email Junkie?

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, Daemon and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... And you succeed.
9. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
10. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
11. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
12. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
13. Your cat has its own home page.
14. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
19. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
20. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah G-d"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

You Know You're Way Too Stressed Out If...

1. You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
2. The sun is too loud.
3. Trees begin chasing you.
4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
7. You can hear mimes.
8. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
9. Things become "Very Clear."
10. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
11. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
12. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
13. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
14. You and Reality file for divorce.
15. You can skip without a rope.
16. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
17. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
18. You can travel without moving.
19. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
20. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
21. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
22. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
23. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

The Pheasant

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

The Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, embarrassed. "It was my first day with the hook."

Pearly Gates

St. Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. St. Peter needed to take a break, so he noticed Jesus walking by and asked him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus said he'd be happy to. In a little bit an old man came up to the desk very slowly. Jesus took out form 85-A/j and started getting the information.

"I'm looking for my son" the old man says.

"And who are you?" says Jesus.

"I'm his Father; well not really." says the man.

"Where are you from?"

The old man said he was from the Mediterranean Sea area.

"What did you do in life?" "I was a carpenter," was the reply.

Jesus smiled because this was a profession he could relate to.

"Did you have many children?" he asked kindly.

The old man said, "Just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth."

Jesus looked closely at the old man and asked, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?"

"Oh yes," the old man said, "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens."

"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man.

Jesus put down the 85-A/j form and holds out his hands, "Father!"

The old man looked at Jesus with joy on his face and asked, "Pinocchio?"

A Yuppie

A yuppie in 'Miami' opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh, my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!"

British Politicians

1. Some Words of Wisdom from British Politicians of the Conservative Party!
2. Here goes:
3. "Suicide is a real threat to health." --Virginia Bottomley
4. "Anyone would think we were living on some island somewhere." – George Walden
5. "It's not the future I'm talking about, I'm talking about tomorrow." -- John Gummer
6. "The trend in the rise in unemployment is downward." -- Gillian Shepherd
7. "The more important things, are more important, than the less important things." -- Stephen Dorrell
8. "When the IRA plant such bombs, it proves they can scare people, it proves they can kill people, it proves nothing." -- Peter Bottomley
9. "We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that...
10. zero must mean plus or minus a few." --William Waldegrave
11. "Who Sadam Hussein kills, dies." --Jeffrey Archer
12. "There's no smoke without mud being flung around." -- Edwina Currie
13. "I will never forget the 1981, -- or was it 1982? – honours list." -- Julian Critchley
14. "All those people who say that there will never be a Single European Currency are trying to forecast history." -- Kenneth Clark
15. "The British public sees with blinding clarity." -- Michael Heseltine
16. "You know what they say—don't get mad, get angry." -- Edwina Currie
17. "We are not wholly an island, except geographically." -- John Major
18. Politicians are like diapers. They both should be changed often. And for the same reason!

What's Good for the Goose...

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper.

So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

The Truck Driver and Lawyers

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest,

"Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him, but then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

(Author Unknown)

Don't you wish when life is bad

and things just don't compute,

That all we really had to do

was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,

life could be so sweet

If we had those special keys

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,

your wife, well she's just mute

Just stop and hit those wonderful keys

that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job

but you fear living in the street?

You solve it all and start anew,

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

White House Lawn

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT! WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.

 

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

 

Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

Clinton & the Razorbacks

President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm.

When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine sharply salutes him as usual.

Clinton says: "I'd salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full."

The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Pigs sir!"

President Clinton responds: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"

The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"

The President then responds: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!"

The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!"

How to give a cat a pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That’s a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

F.Y.I.

1. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
2. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
3. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
4. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
5. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
6. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
7. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
8. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
9. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
10. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
11. Both were assassinated by Southerners.
12. Both were succeeded by Southerners.
13. Both successors were named Johnson.
14. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
15. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
16. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
17. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
18. Both assassins were know by their three names.
19. Both names compromise fifteen letters.
20. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
21. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
22. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

The Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

An obnoxious brother ========= Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ========= Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ========= Gotta Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ========= Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ========= Wherediddy Gogh

The banker nephew ========= Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle ========= Cant Gogh

The dancing aunt ========= Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ========= Flamin Gogh

His psychoanalyst nephew ========= E Gogh

The fruit loving niece ========= Mane Gogh

The bouncy nephew ========= Po Gogh

A sister who loved disco ========= Go Gogh

And his cousin who travels the country in a van ========= Winnie Bay Gogh

Heavenly Entrance Exam

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over .Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the

next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:

"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

First Grade Proverbs

The following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher over the year. She gave her classes part of an old proverb and let them fill in the rest.

~ As you shall make your bed so shall you...mess it up.

~ Better be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

~ Strike while the...bug is close.

~ It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.

~ Never underestimate the power of...termites.

~ You can lead a horse to water but.. how?

~ Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

~ No news is...impossible.

~ A miss is as good as a...Mr.

~ You can't teach an old dog new...math.

~ If you lie down with the dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.

~ Love all, trust.. me

~ The pen is mightier than the...pigs.

~ An idle mind is...the best way to relax.

~ Where there's smoke, there's...pollution.

~ Happy the bride who...gets all the presents!

~ A penny saved is...not much.

~ Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.

~ Don't put off tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

~ Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.

~ None are so blind as...Helen Keller.

~ Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

~ If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.

~ You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box.

~ When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way.

~ There is no fool like...Aunt Eddie.

Pop N’ Fresh Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N' Fresh died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Wednesday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities were present, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler elves, and Hungry Jack. The graveside was piled with flours; long time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how badly he was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn't considered a smart cookie and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.

Bungee Jumping Tower

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??

The Perfect Couple

These was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys in to their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.…

===================================

*A Male's Response* (scroll down)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

The Proposition

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young

woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Hand Signs

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.

The man realizes that he can't find the rake.

He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

Equal Opportunity Employer

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal

Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over

to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect

program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
7. You can open all your own jars.
8. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
9. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
10. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
11. All your orgasms are real.
12. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
13. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
14. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
15. You understand why Stripes is funny.
16. Your last name stays put.
17. The garage is all yours.
18. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
19. You never have to clean the toilet.
20. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
21. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
22. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
23. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
24. The National College Cheerleading Championship
25. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
26. You don't have to shave below your neck.
27. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
28. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
29. Everything on your face stays its original color.
30. Chocolate is just another snack.
31. You can be president.
32. Flowers fix everything.
33. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
34. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
35. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
36. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
37. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
38. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
39. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
40. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
41. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
42. The world is your urinal.
43. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
44. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
45. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
46. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
47. Same work....more pay.
48. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
49. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
50. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
51. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
52. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
53. The remote is yours and yours alone.
54. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
55. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
56. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
57. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
58. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
59. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
60. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
61. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
62. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
63. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
64. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
65. Baywatch.
66. There is always a game on somewhere.

The Hooker

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.  Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.  When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.   The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.  When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.  The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.  During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.   So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ..........and ..............finds four Chinese men.

Top 48 OXYMORONS

1. Act naturally
2. Found missing
3. Resident alien
4. Advanced BASIC
5. Genuine imitation
6. Airline Food
7. Good grief
8. Same difference
9. Almost exactly
10. Government organization
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Legally drunk
14. Silent scream
15. American history
16. Living dead
17. Small crowd
18. Business ethics
19. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
21. Military Intelligence
22. Software documentation
23. New York culture
24. New classic
25. Sweet sorrow
26. Childproof
27. "Now, then ..."
28. Synthetic natural gas
29. Passive aggression
30. Taped live
31. Clearly misunderstood
32. Peace force
33. Extinct Life
34. Temporary tax increase
35. Computer jock
36. Plastic glasses
37. Terribly pleased
38. Computer security
39. Political science
40. Tight slacks
41. Definite maybe
42. Pretty ugly
43. Twelve-ounce pound cake
44. Diet ice cream
45. Rap music
46. Working vacation
47. Exact estimate
48. And the Number one top OXY-Moron
49. Microsoft Works

Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

1. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
2. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
3. "So -- what are you wearing?"
4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
8. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
10. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
11. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"

And the No. 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support ...

1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Cross Country Run

An elderly couple was traveling across country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman....

Patrolman: "Ma'am...you were speeding."

Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"

Patrolman: "May I see your license please."

Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LICENSE!"

The old woman hands the patrolman her license.

Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had the worst sex I've ever had with a woman there."

Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"

Things You'd Never Hear a Southerner Say!

• You can't feed that to the dog.

• I thought Graceland was tacky.

• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

• Wrasslin's fake.

• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

• We're vegetarians.

• Do you think my hair is too big?

• I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.

• Who's Richard Petty?

• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

• Deer heads detract from the decor.

• Spitting is such a nasty habit.

• I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

• Trim the fat off that steak.

• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

• The tires on that truck are too big.

• I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

• I've got it all on a floppy disk.

• Unsweetened tea tastes better.

• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

• My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

• I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

• Checkmate.

• She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

• Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

• I don't have a favorite college team.

• I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

• Elvis who?

The Avid Hunter

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Seminar II

1. Elementary Map Reading - If you don't like north to be the top, turn the map upside down.

2. Crying and Law Enforcement - Works 99% of the time!

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR - Only Japanese can program a VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours - The reason you never see a clock in a mall

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast - Dr.Kervorkian does give an option

6. The Seven-Outfit Week - Every week!

7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") I don't know why I cut his penis off

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions - Be at least as good as the instructor

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights - Orange=not important, Red= important, Blue= very important

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed - Let the bastard drive himself

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water - See number 10

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament - The beer = the blood, The chips 'n dip = the flesh

13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")

14. How to Earn Your Own Money - Its easy, a small skirt and a large purse

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") - Very True

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side - An engineer would design one that doesn't slam down

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry - clean is this pile, dirty is that pile

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels - ?

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy - Use it till itt won't work any more

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too - "Sure is dark in here. Want to buy a baseball?"

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out - ?

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") - Either that or try to explain contract law to the judge

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" - please see item 23

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House - reminds him what his wife will look like

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? - Depends on His mate!

Swami Beyondananda

1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don’t like the programming we’re getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. you use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you - He’s just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when your tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami’s Absurdiveness Training class: "Don’t get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That’s where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there’ll surely be no madness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the pieces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great changes have been predicted for the future, so if you’re looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple: When you find a fault, just don’t dwell on them.

8. There’s no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we’ll never have to change it again.

9. If you’re looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe - The good news is - it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don’t like it, it’s not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don’t have to go through channels.

Swami Beyondananda speaks at East West Bookshop,Thursday, August 21, 97.

Written by Danny Dutton, Age 8, Chula Vista, CA.

3rd grade homework assignment: Topic: "Explain God"

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes these to put in place of the ones that die so that there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn’t make grownups. Just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn’t have have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that up to the mothers and fathers. I think it works out pretty good.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, as some people, like preachers and things, pray other times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. As He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere. Which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting His time by going over your parents head and ask for something they said you couldn’t have.

Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren’t any who come to our church. Jesus is God’s son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and doing miracles and trying to teach people about God who didn’t want to learn. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His father and He told His Father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything He had done and all His hard work on earth, so He told Him He didn’t have to go out on the road any more. He could stay in Heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing which things are important to God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important of course. You can pray any time you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should go to Sunday School, because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God. Don’t skip Sunday School to do something you think will be more fun, like going to the beach. That’s wrong! and besides, the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an Atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like camp, but God can. It’s good to know He’s around when you’re scared of the dark or when you can’t swim very good and you get thrown in real deep water by the big kids. But you shouldn’t just think of what God can do for you. I figure He put me here and can take me back any time He pleases. And that’s why I believe in God.

Pepsi & Cannibals

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over the continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for the Pepsi Company to send a three man rescue team.

While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the crash, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue team was shocked! A team member asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

The second member asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

Totally bewildered, a third member asked, "Did you...well, you know...eat their...things?" The Chief replied, "No!"

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

The 10 Types of Boyfriends

Submitted by S. Smith

Joe Sensitive

"After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

 

Old Man Grumpus

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.

Advantages: Stays put; predictable.

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.

 

Flinchy

"I—I’m sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.

Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.

 

Bigfoot

"Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb.

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

 

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.

Advantages: Well rested; easy target.

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams.

 

The Sneak - "Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.

 

Ace of Hearts

"After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.

Advantages: Perpetually aroused.

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.

 

The Dreamer

"Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but-- "Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories.

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."

 

Mr. Right

"While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.

Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer.

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.

 

Mr. Prez

Let’s do it in the Oval Office. Let’s do it in the war room. Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch

Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader. Think of the book rights and speaking fees. I’ll never have to do one of those American Express commercials "Who Am I"

Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges.

The Symptoms of Inner Peace

• A tendency to think and act deliberately, rather than from fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging others.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of ability to worry.
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling through the heart.
• Increasing susceptibility to kindness offered and the uncontrollable urge to reciprocate.
• An increasing tendency to allow things to unfold, rather than resisting and manipulating.

Cat Rules (Rules for Cats who have a house to run)

• Doors:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.  Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

• Chairs & Rugs:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.  If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

• Bathrooms:  Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

• Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the rules for "hampering":

a.   When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b.  For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c.  For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.   Remember, the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d.  For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!  First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e.  When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

• Walking:  As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially:  on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning.   This will help their coordination skills.

• Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move around.

Annual Meeting of Single, Straight, Emotionally-Stable, Financially-Secure,

Intelligent Men Looking for a Long-Term Commitment

Women vs Golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right...I’ll be fine in a few minutes." he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Bill and the Slurpy

Bill was walking to the 7-11 to get a Slurpy. He passed by a tennis court and found a brand new tennis ball laying in the grass by the sidewalk. He picked up the ball and could not find anyone at the tennis court to return the new ball to, so he stuck the ball in his pocket and continued to walk to the 7-11. He finally made it to the store, walked back to the Slurpy machine, pumped out a cup full of Slurpy and took it to the counter to pay for it. The clerk behind the counter asked what was wrong with Bill, pointing to his pants. He answered "tennis ball". The clerk replied "Boy, that must really hurt, I had tennis elbow once and it about killed me!"

Medical Terms

Benign ===================== What you be after you be eight
Artery ===================== The study of paintings
Bacteria ===================== The back door to the cafeteria
Cesarean Section ===================== A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan ===================== Something for kitty
Cauterize ===================== Made eye contact with her
Colic ===================== A sheep dog
Coma ===================== A punctuation mark
D & C ===================== Where Washington is
Dilate ===================== To live long
Enema ===================== Not a friend
Fester ===================== Quicker than someone else
Fibula ===================== A small lie
Genital ===================== A non-Jewish person
G I Series ===================== World Series of military baseball
Hangnail ===================== What you hang your coat on
Impotent ===================== Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain ===================== Getting hurt at work
Medical staff ===================== A doctor's cane
Morbid ===================== A higher offer than what I bid
Nitrates ===================== Cheaper than day rates
Node ===================== Was aware of
Outpatient ===================== A person who has fainted
Pap Smear ===================== A fatherhood test
Pelvis ===================== Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative ===================== A letter carrier
Recovery Room ===================== Place to do upholstery
Rectum ===================== Damn near killed him
Secretion ===================== Hiding something
Seizure ===================== A Roman emperor
Tablet ===================== A small table
Terminal illness ===================== Getting sick at the airport
Tumor ===================== More than one
Urine ===================== Opposite of you're out
Varicose ===================== Near by/close by
Vein ===================== Conceited

Fruit Cake Recipe

You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check its quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn off the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bow. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the miserer.

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beateres, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of sale. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you can fine. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Penis Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German Study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust the British or German studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete, and came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

The Car Accident

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin.

The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

Zachary Disease

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your butt!"

Henry and the Chickens

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.

There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, point to the sky. "Buzzard's"

An Interesting Comparison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars. :)

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are OCCASIONALLY wardens who are sadistic.

At work we ALWAYS have managers.

A rule with no exceptions:

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." Marcia Mull

A Special Valentine Story

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.

In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.

When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.

"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen.

I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:

A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips.

"Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.

Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat.. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.

This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.

"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"

It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

Latest Bumper Stickers

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
• Horn broken, watch for finger
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
• My kid had sex with your honor student
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
• Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs
• Keep honking, I'm reloading
• Hang up and drive
• Lord save me from your followers
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock
• Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off

Must be from Arkansas

On a Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away, and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my halfsister."

"Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not your father."

Life

• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• To understand all is to fear all.
• I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
• To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Why I'm So Darn Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I have found out the real reason. I'm tired - because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government
and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there wasting time reading email !!

Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10.   For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11.   The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12.   The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13.   During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14.   Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15.   Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16.   Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17.   The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th Anniversary of his birth.
18.   Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19.   The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. Rhe congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20.   The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,  which as usual fell upon her.
21.   22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22.   A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23.   Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with? hymns from a full choir.
24.   Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an aweful voice is sounding"
25.   On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26.   Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27.   Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28.   The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29.   Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30.   8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31.   The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32.   Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33.   Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Computer Industry vs Auto Industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that get 1,000 mi./gal."

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
11. At frequent and unexpected intervals, a warning light would light up saying, "the engine has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Any further action by the driver would kill the engine.

Clocks in Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Tickle-Me Elmo

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle-me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles.

Flying off the Handle

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

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