For Your Edification

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a C++ programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Earl & Bubba

One day, two ol boys named Earl and Bubba were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it to our forheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sherrif said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Weekend Football

For the weekend football fans John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Cowboys' bench. He asked the coach what it was for & was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Coach told him, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100. "Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck I need a break picking the games. He pulled out his wallet & paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of phone on the Miami bench. He asked the coach what the phone was for & was told, "It's the hotline to God & if you want to use it'll cost $100. "Recalling last week, Madden pulled out his wallet, paid the money & made the call. Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Denver Colorado at Mile High Stadium when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Broncos bench. He asked coach, Mike Shanahan, "Is that phone the hotline to God?" Mike said, "Yes & if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents. "Madden looked incredulously at the coach & said, "Wait a second, I just paid $100 at Dallas & $100 at Miami to use the same phone to God. Why does Denver only charge 35 cents?

"Mike looked at Madden & replied, "In Denver it's a local call."

Growing Old

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Forget the health food.I need all thepreservatives I can get.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• Perhaps you know why women overfifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Carjacking Foiled

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it, and she will if required.....so get out of the car.

The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key didn't fit the ignition. Hers was identical and parked four or five spaces farther. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sargent to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed toward the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.

Nude Beach Vacation

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the boy runs back to the water and continues to play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

Again the mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back to the water to play.

Several minutes later the little boy again runs back to his mother and says, Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked the dumber he got!"

Reading Experience

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied: "Bud."

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.

3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.

4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The First Date

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. "He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. "He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. "But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. "But, she said, "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

Multi-syllable Words

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

The Wedding Prank

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following:

"Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the person that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."

Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Doctors and the Duck Hunt

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Shit Happens

In the beginning there was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And the workers spoke among themselves saying, "this is a crock of shit and it stinks."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how " Shit Happens....."

My dear Bank Manager

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) to make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on.

The Pope Comes to America

Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily.

One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.

Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!

Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.

Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.

P: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner. The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lampposts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.

The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.

Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do.

Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out.

Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world!

Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know.

Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.

Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?

Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

Smile

She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.

The smile seemed to make him feel better.

He remembered past kindness of a friend aAnd wrote him a thank you letter.

The friend was so pleased with the thank you that he left a large tip after lunch.

The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip, bet the whole thing on a hunch.

The next day she picked up her winnings, and gave part to a man on the street.

The man on the street was grateful; for two days he'd had nothing to eat.

After he finished his dinner, he left for his small dingy room.

He didn't know at that moment that he might be facing his doom.

On the way he picked up a shivering puppy and took him home to get warm.

The puppy was very grateful to be in out of the storm.

That night the house caught on fire. The puppy barked the alarm.

He barked till he woke the whole household and saved everybody from harm.

One of the boys that he rescued grew up to be President.

All this because of a simple smile that hadn't cost a cent.

His and Her drive-thru ATM machines:

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and amount

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink!

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke!

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of shit in the garage!

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!

Only in America...do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood~sucking creatures!"

Only in America...do we have drive~up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Rejected Hallmark Cards

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends....here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you...How upset you must be...But don't fret about it ....She moved in with me.

7. Your computer is dead...it was once so alive...Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

8. You totaled your car...and can't remember why...could it have been...that case of Bud Dry

Devil in the House

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Parents Certainly Are Misunderstood!

By Steven C. Staats

You thought you were happily smiling at your child from a hard stadium seat or a hot packed auditorium, But your child looked at your face and saw approval of him and joy in what he was doing.

You thought that you were just patting him on the back or on the head, or just ruffling his hair, But your child cherished the warm loving touch and his heart was brightened.

You thought you were reading a bedtime story with all the funny and scary voices, But your child enjoyed the fact you read every word even though he had heard them a hundred times before.

You thought you were letting your child help paint the house even though the paint got kind of runny and drippy in places, But your child knew that you were working together as a family and felt a sense of accomplishment as a family.

You thought you were singing silly songs or counting the cows on a long boring trip, But your child learned that it was fun being together no matter where you were.

You thought you were spending a few minutes of your time by throwing a ball in the back yard or baking some cookies, But your child, who realized that your time is precious, knew you were investing it in him.

You thought that you asked your child's opinion about something that wasn't too important, But your child thought you asked because his opinions and thoughts were important.

You thought you were being a good host by inviting your child's friends in for a cool snack on a warm summer day, But your child knew that his friends were important to you and always welcome in your home.

You thought the tears in your eyes went unnoticed when your child accomplished an important goal in his life, But your child knew that he was deeply imbedded in your heart and you sensed his accomplishment.

You thought that the refrigerator was as good of a place as any for hanging all the art work and "well done" papers that came home from school, But your child felt important when he came home from school each day with something to show you and tack up in his personal hall of fame.

You thought you gave your child some simple chore or job to do and told him, "Well done.", with a smile when he did it, But your child learned responsibility and began to realize he could tackle even tougher things.

You thought you were helping a troubled restless child get some sleep by fixing a cup of hot cocoa, But your child felt that you were opening your heart around a kitchen table and making all the problems a lot smaller.

You thought the vacation wasn't much of a success because the fish didn't bite and the sun didn't shine, But your child still remembers everything that happened and he still laughs at all of the funny parts.

You thought you were just pointing out the words in the church hymn book with Your child's finger as he tried to sing along, But your child learned that singing praises to God in worship was important.

You thought you were just giving him a quick hug at a special moment or "just because", But your child carried it with him for a long time, because what you really said was, "I'm proud of You!", or "I love You!"

You thought you were just giving him a little kiss on the cheek to tell him goodbye as he left for school, But your child felt warm and loved because he knew there would be another one waiting for him when he got home.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of times when parents really are misunderstood!

Design Flaws

Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "You've been such a great guy, and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can spend your time in heaven with anyone you wish."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God Himself." The angle leads Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God. Arthur asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God replies, "Ah, yes."

"Well, you may have some major design flaws in your invention." "Whatever do you mean, Arther?", God askes.

1. There's too much front protrusion 2. It chatters at high speed 3. The rear wobbles too much, and 4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmm ...", mutters God. "Hold on a moment." God summons the celestial supercomputer, types in a few key strokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper, and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed", replies God to Arthur Davidson, "but according to the computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

The Unintentional…

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

The Word Test

One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind when he said each word.

The first word he said was "rock." They immediately started singing "Rock Of Ages."

The second word he said was "blood," and they sang "Power in the Blood."

The third word was "cross," and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross."

The fourth word he said was "sex." Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet.  Way in the back of the church, an 87-year-old lady stood up and started singing "Precious Memories."

Kid's Instructions for Smart Living

Never trust a dog to watch your food. ~Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. ~Matthew, Age 12

Never smart-off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. ~Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. ~Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. ~Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. ~Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower. ~Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs money when your parents are doing taxes. ~Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. ~Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. ~Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. ~Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. ~Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. ~Joel, Age 12

Never spit when on a roller coaster. ~Scott, Age 11

Never try to baptize a cat. ~Laura, Age 13

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. ~Chelsey, Age 7

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. ~Molly, Age 11

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. ~Phillip, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station. ~Sam, Age 10

Forget the cake, go for the icing. ~Cynthia, Age 8

Things You Might Not Know About Children

1. There is no such thing as child proofing your house.

2. A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

4. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

5. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you here the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, lots of it.

9. A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it can only be done in the movies.

10. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak...it explodes.

11. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house almost 4 inches deep.

12. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

13. Duplos will not.

14. Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence.

15. Superglue is forever.

16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

18. Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving.

19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

The Y2K Prayer

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His commands are user-friendly. His directory guides me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my backup. His password protects me. He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies. His help is only a keystroke away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever. Amen.

Something to Think About the Next Time You're Having a Bad Day

(this was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998):

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and facemask.

A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast--some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Central, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still Think You're Having a Bad Day? Think Again.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...

NORM!

Have you ever wished you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers"?

Here you go.

SAM:  "What's shaking Norm?"
NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

SAM:  "What's new Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

SAM:  "What'd you like Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live.  Give me another beer."

SAM:  "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM:  "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."

SAM:  "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

WOODY: "What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.  Let's cut to the happy ending."

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

SAM:  "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable?  Good."

SAM:  "Whatcha up to Norm?"
NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."

SAM:  "How's life treating you Norm?"
NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

SAM:  "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

SAM:  "What's the story Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy meets another beer."

WOODY: "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson?  A beer please, Woody."

WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."

Animals in Heaven

A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."

"Well," the cat says, "I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hard wooden floors."

"Say no more," says God, and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.

"All our life," the mice say, "we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms, have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."

God says he can take care of it, and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

A week later, God checks in on the cat, who is asleep on his pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

"Never been happier," says the cat, stretching and yawning. "And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great!

New Viruses????

Lewinsky Virus:

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus:

Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus:

Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:

Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:

Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres Virus:

Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus:

Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:

Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:

Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus:

Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:

Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus:

Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus:

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus:

Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

Wacked Story

This is actually a true story:

Normally when I hear embarrassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass. However, when my friend at CU Boulder wrote me this letter, telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is:

A girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software.

One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chatline. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line.

Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie" and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.

Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie' is on the line with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.

The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Katie' and Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together.

Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with.

They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, " Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed.

Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Jeremy?"

A voice replied, "Katie?"

"Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him.

The next thing heard around the world were two blood culing screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said..............

"Dad?"

Now realize this really did happen. I got that from a friend. Is that story wacked out or what?

What is Politics?

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for an example.  I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism.  Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the Government.  We take care of your needs, so let's call you the People.  We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call the Future.  Do you understand son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

What A Tax Return!

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

A Fuzzy Feel Good

• If you can start the day without caffeine,
• If you can get going without pep pills,
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
• If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
• If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
• If you can overlook it when something goes wrong through no fault of yours and those you love take it out on you,
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
• If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
• If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
• If you can conquer tension without medical help,
• If you can relax without liquor,
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
• If you can say deep that in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friends, you are almost as good as your dog.

You Are A Child Of The 80's If:

• You know what a "burnout" is.
• You owned/operated a 'Trapper Keeper'
• You know what "Psych" means.
• Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game-to "reserve" your spot.
• You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
• You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
• You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack".
• You know who Tina Yothers is.
• You wanted to be a Goonie.
• You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your jr. high computer lab
• You know who Max Headroom is.
• You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.
• You could breakdance, or wish you could.
• You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
• Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
• You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
• You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to 'Inspector Gadget'
• You wanted to be on Star Search.
• You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
• You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
• You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it, or knew someone who did.
• You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
• You HAD to have your MTV
• You remember when Kramer was on a show called "Fridays."
• You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
• You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".
• You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
• You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
• You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
• You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
• You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
• You own(ed) any 'cassette singles'
• You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
• You remember And/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
• Poltergeist freaked you out.
• You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
• You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
• You know what a Doozer is.
• You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
• You ever had a Swatch Watch.
• You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
• You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
• You know what a "Whammee" is.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's".

Gorilla Lust

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes wild. He jumps up on the bars, he grunts and pounds his chest. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.

He suggests that the wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, jumping around and beating his chest. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM!! You have a headache."

Joining the Church

Three couples - an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The elderly man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor asked the middle-aged couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

He then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from having sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we weren't," the young man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with passion and took advantage of her right there." "You understand that this means you will not be welcome in our church?" stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

Top 10 Things a Southerner would NEVER Say

The top things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say...ever....no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered.

40. "Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen."

39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Beeker.

1. "Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight."

On Religion - From the Mouths of Babes

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

*****************************************

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

*****************************************

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

*****************************************

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

*****************************************

Mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

*****************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

*****************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*****************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*****************************************

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

*****************************************

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.

*****************************************

This next one really happened in Corona, Ca with my son Austin's best buddy Reece! It was March 17, 1999 (St. Patrick's Day), and the supermarket was bustling as normal. Mom busy loading groceries onto the conveyer belt with one year old in shopping cart and four year old son, Reece, nearby. An older, grandpa type pinches Reece and tells him he's not wearing green! Reece, a bit stunned, quickly returns the pinch with a kick to the shin of the elderly man and says, "Well, you're not wearing blue!" By the way, I forgot to tell you that Reece loves to play cowboy, and that particular day he was wearing his leather, pointed-toe cowboy boots. OUCH!!!

Things Girls Think Guys Should Know:

1.   Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2.   We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3.   Don't say you understand when you don't.
4.   Girls are petty, get over it.
5.   You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6.   Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7.   If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8.   Size does matter.
9.   We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.
10.   A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11.   No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
12.   It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13.   If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14.   Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15.   We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16.   We are drama queens.
17.   Fashion police do exist.
18.   Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19.   We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20.   Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21.   We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
22.   Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
23.   Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24.   Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25.   Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake.
26.   It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27.   We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28.   We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29.   You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't    you piss in the toilet and not on it.
30.   Most importantly - we are always right - so don't forget it.

There are two points of view:

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

·      I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

·      I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

·      I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

·      I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

·      I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,

·      and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

·      I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

·      I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

·     And I don't go around checking my reflection

·      in everything shiny from every direction.

·      I don't whine in public and make us leave early,

·      and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

·      I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

·      I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

·      I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

·      I don't carry our differences into the sack.

·      I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

·      or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

·      I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.

·      I know what the time is and I know what to do.

·      And I honestly think its a privilege for me

·      to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

·      I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

·      It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

·      I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

·      I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

·      Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

·      I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

·      Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

·      I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

·      I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.

·      I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

·      I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

·      I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

 

********

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

·      I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

·      I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

·      I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.

·      I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

·      I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

·      And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

·      I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.

·      My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

·      And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,

·      or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

·      I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

·      I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

·      I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.

·      I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

·      It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.

·      When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

·      And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.

·      I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

·      Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

·      I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

·      And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

·      to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

·      I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.

·      I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

·      I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,

·      or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

·      Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

·      then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

·      Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.

·      Forget all about that old penis envy.

·      I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.

·      Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

·      I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.

·      I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Old Timer

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a root? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go". They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and says, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks". Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken my panty hose off!"

Head & Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

4 letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother the 4 letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, and Cook.

"OH MOM PLEASE COME GET ME, PLEASE !"

If men and women swapped genitals

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

• 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
• 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
• 8. See if they could finally do the splits.
• 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
• 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
• 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
• 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
• 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
• 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
• And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
• 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

• 10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
• 9. Get a blow job.
• 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
• 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
• 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
• 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
• 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
• 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
• 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
• And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

1. Repeat number 9.

by Erma Bombeck

• I would have talked less and listened more.
• I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
• I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
• I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
• I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
• I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
• I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
• I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.
• I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
• I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
• I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
• Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
• When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
• There would have been more "I love yous".. more "I'm sorrys"... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back.

--In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.

Beer and Hormones

Yesterday, scientist for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

The Kitchen

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

8. Help keep the kitchen clean--eat out.

9. Housework done properly can kill you.

10. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

11. My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines.

Sex Therapist

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Dear GOD

Dear GOD, In Sunday school they told

us what You do. Who does it when

You are on vacation?

Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What

does begat mean? Nobody

will tell me.

Love, Alison

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that

just a trick?

Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father

won't get in Heaven if he

uses his bowling words in the house?

Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the

giraffe to look like that or

was it an accident?

Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people

die and having to make

new ones, why don't You just keep the ones

You have now? Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines

Around the countries? Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding

And they kissed right in church.

Is that okay? Neil

 

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are

A Jealous God? I

thought You had everything. Jane

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do

unto others as they do unto you"?

Because if you did, then I'm going

To fix my brother. Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby

brother, but what I prayed for was a

puppy. Joyce

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on

Sunday? I thought it was supposed

to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I

never asked for anything before,

You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You

should give him a tail.

Ha ha.

Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would

not kill each other so much if they had their

own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my

Daddy when I get big but not with

so much hair all over. Sam

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry

about me. I always look both ways.

Dean

Dear GOD, I think about You

Sometimes even when I'm not

praying.

Elliott

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for

You to love all of everybody in

the whole world. There are only 4

people in our family and I can

never do it. Nan

Dear GOD, Of all the people who

Work for You I like Noah and David

the best. Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about

being born but it doesn't sound

right. They're just kidding, aren't

they? Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church

Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900

years like the guy in the Bible.

Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison

Made light. But in school they said

You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.

Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at

Noah - "You made an ark on dry

land you fool." But he was smart,

he stuck with You. That's what I

would do. Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody

could be a better GOD. Well, I just

want You to know but I am not just

saying that because You are GOD

already. Charles

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went

with purple until I saw the

sunset you made on Tuesday. That

was cool! Eugene

Preacher / Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No not at all," the woman replies.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm very sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few," states the preacher. "Oh that's all right," replies the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

The Card Trick

You have to check this one out. It's a magic trick, and you'll love (or hate) it! Just click on the link below and follow the instructions:

http://www3.mcps.k12.md.us/users/rsfay/magic/index.html

While Eating in Spain

A fellow was touring Spain and stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. While dining, he saw a scrumptious looking dish pass by. It looked and smelled wonderful! He inquired to the waiter what it was. The waiter replied: "Ah, senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The patron, though momentarily daunted when he learned of the origin of the dish, thought: "What the hell, I'm on vacation," and then requested an order. The waiter regretfully informed him there was only one order per day as there was only one bullfight each morning. The waiter related further that if the patron returned and placed his order early the next day, he would be sure to have an opportunity to try the rare dish.

The next morning the man returned, and much to his delight, was served the special meal. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones on the plate the previous day.

At this, the waiter shrugged and replied, " Si, Senor. Sometimes the Bull wins."

Southern Girls

Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city.

In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up there who have sex with other women."

In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?"

"They call them lesbians".

"And there's men who have sex with other men," says the women. "They call them homosexuals." Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And, they have these men up there that will put their face in a woman's privates and kiss and lick all around..."

"Do tell!" gasps her friend, "What do they call them?"

"Damned if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."

Hospital Visit

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Little Johnnie's Class Report

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

You Know You're A Mother When..

• You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
• You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
• Your kid throws up and you catch it.
• Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
• You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
• You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
• Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
• You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
• You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
• You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
• You hate the thought of his wife even more.
• You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
• You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
• You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
• You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
• You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
• You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
• You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
• You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

Liane Kupferberg Carter (copyrighted material)

A Daughter's Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

The Light

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?

CNN Report

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra.

• 2% aspirin
• 2% ibuprofen
• 1% filler
• 95% "Fix-a-Flat"

Life on Earth

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, He called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth, 95% are bad and 5% are good." Well, He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a male angel---to get both points of view.

So, God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time.

When the male angel returned, he went to God and told Him, "Yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good." God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good and encourage them, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, so you didn't get one either?

Phyllis Waldron pcwaldro@smig.net

Senior Citizen

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I Just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-565. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male
8. You're counting down the days until menopause
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

1. Cats' facial expressions
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
4. Fat clothes
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
8. Eyelash curlers
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN :)

Annual Checkup

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got a nineteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.

I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at.. ." replied the doctor.

The Money Jar

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah". He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

The Magical Frog

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...

Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish.? "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish the bear was gay."

The key you are always looking for......

How many times do we get mad at our computers and want to throw it out the window, well now all we have to do is hit a key!!!

65 Year Checkup

A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.  Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.  He watches her a while then says... You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?'   She says, 'I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.  She starts laughing and jumping again.  He says, 'Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?'  She says, 'Well, your name never came up.’

Life Begins at 50

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
• You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
• You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
• Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
• Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
• Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
• Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker, and you can't get it started.
• You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because it's too risky of an investment.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other two I forget.

One-Liners from Famous Women

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]

9. I think; therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

10. "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]

11. "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]

12. "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]

13. "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher]

14. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinem]

15. "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinem]

16. "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." [Marie Corelli]

17. "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." [Baroness Edith Summerskill]

18. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" [Linda Ellerbee]

19. "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." [Zsa Zsa]

Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green,

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt .

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won't do.

Cause yo're too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds......

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

Thunderstorms

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

Technology For Trailer Folk

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing what splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't'member what ya paid fer the rifle

Just a Little Gas

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father, just a little gas", Sister Susan replied.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.

"Oh no Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink!

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke!

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of shit in the garage!

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!

Only in America...do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures!"

Only in America do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Shipwrecked

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life - at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said.

"On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut milk."

"It's not coconut milk," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?

You know...." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my E-mail from here?"

Gun Shot

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.  She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and decided to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.  Not wanting to miss the vital organ and chance becoming a vegetable, and therefore a burden on her family, she called her doctor's office to inquire where her heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

7. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

8. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

9. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

10. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

11. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

12. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

14. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

15. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

16. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it.

17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Ice Cream for the Soul

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper the gentleman added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is already good."

Two Aliens Land In A Small Town...

Two aliens land in a small town in the US, and they happen to land next to a gas station.

So, the aliens waddle out of their space ship and look around.

The first thing they see that resembles a human being is a gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!"

Of course he gets no response.

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!"

Of course, still no response.

The alien then turns to his buddy and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK, I'm just going to stand over there on the next block."

The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits until his buddy leaves.

He then address the pump a third time, "Earthling, take me to your leader!"

Still nothing.

So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien down the street all the way to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns back to his buddy. "If you knew what was going to happen, why didn't you warn me?"

The second alien replies, " Well, I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen, but there's no way I'm going to mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!"

Jokes...

• Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
• What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
• Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
• How do you know when your staying in an Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
• What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead" is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
• Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know the originating location. After a very long study, the researchers decided that the brush was invented in Tennessee. Intrigued, the media asked the researchers how they came to the conclusion. They all agreed it was simple deduction: "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

Arkansas Jokes

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

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Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room? A: A full set of teeth

Writing Assignment

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you.

Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

Pearly Gates

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Good Morning,

This is GOD!

I will be handling all your problems today.

I will not need your help -

So have a good day!

All Those Years

My friend Debbie's two daughters were in high school when she experienced severe flu-like symptoms. Debbie visited her family doctor, who told her the flu bug had passed her by. Instead, she had been touched by the "love bug" and was now pregnant. The birth of Tommy, a healthy, beautiful son, was an event for celebration, and as time went by, it seemed as though every day brought another reason to celebrate the gift of Tommy's life. He was sweet, thoughtful, fun- loving and a joy to be around.

One day when Tommy was about five years old, he and Debbie were driving to the neighborhood mall. As is the way with children, out of nowhere, Tomm asked Mom how old were you when I was born?"

"Thirty-six, Tommy. Why?" Debbie asked, wondering what his little mind was contemplating.

"What a shamel" Tommy responded.

"What do you mean?" Debbie inquired, more than a little puzzled.

Looking at her with love-filled eyes, Tommy said, "Just think of all those year's we didn't know each other."

By Alice Collins From Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul

Frog Humor

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from the nametag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Hello Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation" Patti looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "Oh, about $30,000 should do it." The teller asks his name, and the frog says "my name is Kermit Jagger, and its okay the bank manager is a friend of mine." Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money, and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything to use as collateral. "Certainly", Mr Jagger responds, and he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant that's about half an inch tall. Very confused, Ms. Whack says that she'll have to consult the bank manager, and disappears into a back offce. She finds the manager, and says; "There's a frog out there by the name of Kermit Jagger, and he claims that he is a friend of yours. He wants to borrow $30,000, and he gave me this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks at the elephant, then at her, and says; "Its a knick knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Top ten ways the Bible - written by college students:

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.

9. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

8. There would be a New Edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would be eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans would be Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. The reason Cain killed Abel: They're roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world would occur: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. The reason why Moses and followers would walk the desert for 40 years: They wouldn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

And the number one way the Bible would be different if it were written by college students:

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would put it off until the night before it was due and then pull an all-nighter.

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, qiving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered aqainst the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune

....................

the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Real Teachers

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the 6wks) have been seen grading in church.

Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards with out turning their backs on the class.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.

Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.

Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from blockbuster.

Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.

Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.

Real teachers can "sense" gum.

Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.

Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.

Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.

Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.

Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.

Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.

Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.

Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.

Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

Efficiency

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order 1 asked: "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired the George Group, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly's thingy.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ... you know...we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Why Parents Get Gray

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle..."They're looking for me."

Doctor Visit

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I have this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

Moving To Nevada

May 30th - Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th - Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th - I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th - Dry heat, my butt. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th - 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this state.

Aug 8th - If another wise acre cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It's been too hot to make love for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat!!

Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th - Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.

That does it, we're moving to Los Angeles for some peace and quiet!

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."

So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."

The Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs, etc., School just sucks.

8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.

7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.

6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

5. Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.

4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is.........

1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

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